barbedwire
Registered Shopper
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2008
- Messages
- 2,016
*opening music plays, camera pans in on sage looking presenter dressed in glamorous evening dress and dripping in dyermerneeeeek*
Presenter: (in hushed, reverential tones)Well, welcome along to a wonderful hour with someone who is the very nadir, nay veritable epitome of glamour and sophistication - plstbpls welcoming the beautiful lady from Beverly Hills herself Miss Tova Borgnine. Tova it's simply a joy, nay thrill, nay veritable orgasm on a wet wednesday to have you with us.
Tova: *adjusts syrup, wipes nose on sleeve* Well thank you, I am just so glad to be here with you and with all of you at home today bringing you a little taste of my own hollywood glamour.
Presenter: Without further ado lets dive straight in and look at our first piece - item number 123456, the Tova Dyermerneeeeek Tennis Bracelet with Simulated Emerald accent 567tcw. Tova, this is just stunning, just beautiful, just a munificence of glamour and the epitome of chic sophistication, do please tell us the story behind this most very auspicious of bracelets...
Tova: Well, when Ernest (that's my husband Ernest Borgnine - whom some of you may have been previously married to) and I first met not many people realise that we were a world class Mixed Doubles Partnership in Lawn Tennis. We competed at Wimblebobs in 1976 and won the coveted trophy - snatching it from the grasp of Martina Navratilova and Someone else. To commemorate this wonderful celebration Ernest - when he next was on a movie shoot (the 1977 War film 'The Missing Refried Beans) snuck off to a very eminent jewellers in Wigan called 'Maison Lilly Ackroyd' whence he purchased a selection of the very finest Emeralds - the emeralds that are indeed replicated in this beautiful bracelet you see before you...
Presenter: And I imagine Maison Lilly Ackroyd only sold the highest quality stones - nothing but the best for our Tova...
Tova: Well, indeed - my husband tells the story that when he arrived and went into the shop he found a very demure old lady sitting behind the counter wearing a shawl and eating something called a 'barmcake'. When he asked about her Emeralds she said she would have to 'make a special trip to th'outhouse' to get them and when she returned she had the biggest coal scuttle full of the little green blighters....
Presenter: Wow, what a wonderful story Saint Tova - selling very very fast by the way, down to our last 7,000 now. So we're going to have to move on to the next item. Here we are...item number 678910 - the Tova Dyermerneeek Simulated Ruby Earrings with clip on adornments - 326tcw. Now Tova, I believe there is a very interesting story behind these too...
Tova: Well, not long after Ernest (Borgnine, the famour movie star - who some of you may have slept with) were married - he was away shooting a war film called 'They Shot Them in The Bum Cheeks At Dawn' in gosh where was it now...that's right, Doncaster. Anyway, half way through filming he sent for me to join him and the other actors on set - what a cast, he was filming with Richard Burton - who by this time was on his 19th marriage to Elizabeth Taylor. One evening the four of us had gone out to 'Doncaster Snack N Burger' on Market Street for some scran. I ordered the Snack N Burger Special - A Double Whopper Beefburger with Cheese, Gherkins and Fries. Ernest had the same but with a Chocolate Milkshake and a syrup. After we'd eaten - and Dicky Burton, dear dear Dicky sat back on his formica stool and burped - Ernest presented me with this dear little jeweller's box from a little arthouse place called 'Senor Billy Higginbottoms' just off the Ilkley Road. Well imagine my surprise when I opened it to find these beautiful little Ruby earrings nestling inside there - specially sourced from the Yorkshire Gem Mines...
Presenter: Wow, Tova - what an amazing story - I just have to interrupt you to say that these are selling really very fast - if you want them be on the phones or use Q-Cut or the red active button, down to our last 15,000 of these now, so I really would recommend you be quick. I was silly and forgot to place my order before we came on air!! Duh!! Anyway - let's move on to item number 456789 - this is the 7000 tcw Tova Dyermerneeeek Brilliant Cut Pendant and Chain priced at £134.54p, now Tova I believe you have another lovely story relating to this piece...
Tova: Well, when it was Ernie (my husband - Borgnine, the famous film actor, some of you may have had his children) and mine's Silver Wedding Anniversary in the 1990s (I was 12 when we married of course!!) We decided to celebrate by hiring a yacht, mooring it on the Leeds Liverpool Canal - inviting all our dearly beloved friends and family and pushing them all in. Ernest, unbeknownst to me had nipped out and onto dry land to go and visit a little specialist jewellers in a sidestreet in Skipton 'Miss Renee Hepplethwaite' to purchase from her the finest diamond pendant money could buy - he saw this design in the window - it was, to his mind a bit plainer than he would have liked so while he was in there he asked her to 'stick a few more stones on while you're at it...' so she took it into the back room and emerged with the UHU and a pair of tweezers and began building up to this beautiful behemoth that we see before us. Ernie presented it to me on board our luxury yacht after we'd drowned the last of our guests as we sat down to our spam fritters...
Presenter: Wow, Tova - such a beautiful story there. Would you like to own a little bot of Tova's Hollywood glamour? Would you like to be able to tell everyone the stories behind these wonderful pieces? Then get on those phones and order folks - I'd urge you to hurry, we only have another 4,500 of these in stock, which when you think there could be anything up to 3 people watching at any given time is not a lot to go round. Plstbpls jumping to those phones if you'd like to order this....and we'll be right back after this...
*lights fade out, camera pans out to see Tova adjusting wig again and slurping from a hip flask containing Vodka*
:bandit:
Presenter: (in hushed, reverential tones)Well, welcome along to a wonderful hour with someone who is the very nadir, nay veritable epitome of glamour and sophistication - plstbpls welcoming the beautiful lady from Beverly Hills herself Miss Tova Borgnine. Tova it's simply a joy, nay thrill, nay veritable orgasm on a wet wednesday to have you with us.
Tova: *adjusts syrup, wipes nose on sleeve* Well thank you, I am just so glad to be here with you and with all of you at home today bringing you a little taste of my own hollywood glamour.
Presenter: Without further ado lets dive straight in and look at our first piece - item number 123456, the Tova Dyermerneeeeek Tennis Bracelet with Simulated Emerald accent 567tcw. Tova, this is just stunning, just beautiful, just a munificence of glamour and the epitome of chic sophistication, do please tell us the story behind this most very auspicious of bracelets...
Tova: Well, when Ernest (that's my husband Ernest Borgnine - whom some of you may have been previously married to) and I first met not many people realise that we were a world class Mixed Doubles Partnership in Lawn Tennis. We competed at Wimblebobs in 1976 and won the coveted trophy - snatching it from the grasp of Martina Navratilova and Someone else. To commemorate this wonderful celebration Ernest - when he next was on a movie shoot (the 1977 War film 'The Missing Refried Beans) snuck off to a very eminent jewellers in Wigan called 'Maison Lilly Ackroyd' whence he purchased a selection of the very finest Emeralds - the emeralds that are indeed replicated in this beautiful bracelet you see before you...
Presenter: And I imagine Maison Lilly Ackroyd only sold the highest quality stones - nothing but the best for our Tova...
Tova: Well, indeed - my husband tells the story that when he arrived and went into the shop he found a very demure old lady sitting behind the counter wearing a shawl and eating something called a 'barmcake'. When he asked about her Emeralds she said she would have to 'make a special trip to th'outhouse' to get them and when she returned she had the biggest coal scuttle full of the little green blighters....
Presenter: Wow, what a wonderful story Saint Tova - selling very very fast by the way, down to our last 7,000 now. So we're going to have to move on to the next item. Here we are...item number 678910 - the Tova Dyermerneeek Simulated Ruby Earrings with clip on adornments - 326tcw. Now Tova, I believe there is a very interesting story behind these too...
Tova: Well, not long after Ernest (Borgnine, the famour movie star - who some of you may have slept with) were married - he was away shooting a war film called 'They Shot Them in The Bum Cheeks At Dawn' in gosh where was it now...that's right, Doncaster. Anyway, half way through filming he sent for me to join him and the other actors on set - what a cast, he was filming with Richard Burton - who by this time was on his 19th marriage to Elizabeth Taylor. One evening the four of us had gone out to 'Doncaster Snack N Burger' on Market Street for some scran. I ordered the Snack N Burger Special - A Double Whopper Beefburger with Cheese, Gherkins and Fries. Ernest had the same but with a Chocolate Milkshake and a syrup. After we'd eaten - and Dicky Burton, dear dear Dicky sat back on his formica stool and burped - Ernest presented me with this dear little jeweller's box from a little arthouse place called 'Senor Billy Higginbottoms' just off the Ilkley Road. Well imagine my surprise when I opened it to find these beautiful little Ruby earrings nestling inside there - specially sourced from the Yorkshire Gem Mines...
Presenter: Wow, Tova - what an amazing story - I just have to interrupt you to say that these are selling really very fast - if you want them be on the phones or use Q-Cut or the red active button, down to our last 15,000 of these now, so I really would recommend you be quick. I was silly and forgot to place my order before we came on air!! Duh!! Anyway - let's move on to item number 456789 - this is the 7000 tcw Tova Dyermerneeeek Brilliant Cut Pendant and Chain priced at £134.54p, now Tova I believe you have another lovely story relating to this piece...
Tova: Well, when it was Ernie (my husband - Borgnine, the famous film actor, some of you may have had his children) and mine's Silver Wedding Anniversary in the 1990s (I was 12 when we married of course!!) We decided to celebrate by hiring a yacht, mooring it on the Leeds Liverpool Canal - inviting all our dearly beloved friends and family and pushing them all in. Ernest, unbeknownst to me had nipped out and onto dry land to go and visit a little specialist jewellers in a sidestreet in Skipton 'Miss Renee Hepplethwaite' to purchase from her the finest diamond pendant money could buy - he saw this design in the window - it was, to his mind a bit plainer than he would have liked so while he was in there he asked her to 'stick a few more stones on while you're at it...' so she took it into the back room and emerged with the UHU and a pair of tweezers and began building up to this beautiful behemoth that we see before us. Ernie presented it to me on board our luxury yacht after we'd drowned the last of our guests as we sat down to our spam fritters...
Presenter: Wow, Tova - such a beautiful story there. Would you like to own a little bot of Tova's Hollywood glamour? Would you like to be able to tell everyone the stories behind these wonderful pieces? Then get on those phones and order folks - I'd urge you to hurry, we only have another 4,500 of these in stock, which when you think there could be anything up to 3 people watching at any given time is not a lot to go round. Plstbpls jumping to those phones if you'd like to order this....and we'll be right back after this...
*lights fade out, camera pans out to see Tova adjusting wig again and slurping from a hip flask containing Vodka*
:bandit:
