A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
--------------------------------
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "Well, when I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a sip and then another and another until he felt quite relaxed and calm. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T'.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as 'Contrary Mary'.
13) Recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
--------------------------------
A man staggered home very late after another evening drinking. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife and tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, he sprang up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning he woke up with the most terrible searing pain in both his head and butt and there, at the foot of the bed, stood his wife
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
'How can you say such a thing!?'
'Well,' she said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
--------------------------------
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?"
The other guy says "Ireland."
The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily.
Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily.
Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?"
"St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy.
"Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they suck down another
round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, "So what's going on today?"
The bartender answers, "Nothing much ... The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
--------------------------------
Three men are stood at a bar. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Welshman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT
OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
--------------------------------
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "Well, when I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a sip and then another and another until he felt quite relaxed and calm. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T'.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as 'Contrary Mary'.
13) Recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
--------------------------------
A man staggered home very late after another evening drinking. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife and tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, he sprang up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning he woke up with the most terrible searing pain in both his head and butt and there, at the foot of the bed, stood his wife
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
'How can you say such a thing!?'
'Well,' she said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
--------------------------------
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?"
The other guy says "Ireland."
The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily.
Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily.
Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?"
"St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy.
"Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they suck down another
round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, "So what's going on today?"
The bartender answers, "Nothing much ... The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
--------------------------------
Three men are stood at a bar. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Welshman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT
OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
