Has anyone got any ideas - friend in need

One of my best friends is in a seemingly impossible situation and she really needs to talk, I'm supposed to be seeing her sometime this week and I almost don't know what to say to her - I guess I can just listen, but practical ideas - I can't think of any and I so wish I could.

This friend is in her early 40's and like many people of her age these days is caught up in the rental trap. When I first met her she was sharing a rented flat with her boyfriend. The relationship broke up because he decided he never wanted to have children and this caused a rift between them that couldn't be repaired. She was unable to afford the rent on the flat on a single wage, but fell on her feet when her uncle allowed her to move into her late grandmother's flat for an affordable cost until either she was in a position to afford to find something else or she could afford to maybe come to an arrangement to buy the property herself. Things started to look up for her, she found another boyfriend - The love of her life. She asked her uncle whether it would be ok if he moved into the flat with her because he was living at home with his mother obviously agreeing to pay more rent - This was agreed and life went swimmingly for a short while...until her uncle died very unexpectedly. The will he had made had left everything (including this flat) to his wife (a second wife who was no relation to my friend) To cut a long story short, this woman immediately gave my friend and her partner their marching orders. Thankfully both working they found another flat to rent between them but they struggled considerably financially. Eventually his mother stepped into help, she is wealthy and owns a fair deal of property, took pity upon them and agreed to let them move into one of her properties and pay minimal rent. The place is quite a few miles out of town meaning my friend would have to commute to work, but the saving on the rent meant this was viable. Things went well for a while as my friend excitedly bought fittings and furniture for the place and looked forward to the future.

To cut another long story short, her partner (who is in mid thirties) has decided that he doesn't want to have children and it's become a major issue, she hoped in time that he might come around to the idea, but it has now got to the stage where he has said that the idea of it makes him feel physically sick to the pit of the stomach (his exact words) and if she ever broaches the subject he literally flies of the handle. He has started to frequently remind her that it is HIS property and any decoration, piece of furniture, ornament etc will be HIS choice and has started being mentally cruel in other ways too. One by one she has had to watch her close friends and siblings settle down and start families and whilst she tries to feel and show that she's happy for them, each one comes as a huge "body blow" to her - especially now her kid brother has announced he's about to become a father.

I don't know what to say to her, she's so lovely and would make a great mum and homemaker, but she says she feels trapped - Her own family all live miles away and can't afford to help her out in any way, she can't afford to move out on her low wage and is stuck living in this little backwater where she hardly knows anybody. I know there are worse problems in life, but still - I wish I could give her some positive advice, but I'm stumped!

Although my friend is only 10 years younger than me, I come from a generation where jobs/promotions were easy to get - there was no such thing as a c.v or "behaviours" you had an interview and if the prospective employer liked you, then the job was yours, people would have their kids in their early twenties, mortgages were attainable - I could go on! Yes, I've been in crap relationships in the past but have thankfully never felt trapped with no possible escape route. I know a lot of what life throws at you is down to luck - but today's climate doesn't help anyone!

Does she realise his behaviour is now criminal? This is considered to be Domestic Violence! It could lead to her getting an occupation order for the property. I would recommend that she signs up to her local council to be rehoused on the basis of her situation, she may be rehoused on her own terms. I am so sorry she is suffering yet again. I bet his ma would like grandchildren, but she is better off without him, bet she must be heartbroken to have set up with two such swine! Get her info about DV and see if there is a housing advice service around where she lives.

would the fact she's not being abused physically put her very low down priority wise? But worth a try I guess. Also that the house actually belongs to her boyfriend's mother stop any kind of order being put on? Nethertheless thanks for the advice because I honestly didn't realise that this could be classed as DV and definitely worth considering.... hopefully she can seek advice based on this in order for her to begin upon the life she deserves. Hopefully she will have a family one day...but due to her age she's understandably worried that time is not on her side .Agreed she needs to get shot of him pretty smartish. Her other fella, although he didn't want the same things in life as her was a friendly affable guy, this one is sulky and selfish and I've not really liked him from the start...couldn't really say anything 'cos it's rude and she considered him to be the love of her life, though this is obviously wearing thin now

Let me know how she gets on?

http://www.itv.com/news/story/2014-08-20/domestic-violence-law-to-cover-psychological-abuse/

hope this helps! msx

Could she approach her uncle's wife and explain her predicament hoping to use the same flat with the promise of immediately looking for something elsewhere. If she explained she didn't feel safe with him the wife might take pity. Hopefully. Mental cruelty has a very fine line crossing over to include physical abuse. He sounds horrid. Good luck to her.

Loveinamist said:

Could she approach her uncle's wife and explain her predicament hoping to use the same flat with the promise of immediately looking for something elsewhere. If she explained she didn't feel safe with him the wife might take pity. Hopefully. He sounds horrid. Good luck to her.

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Unfortunately her uncle's wife did the property up and sold it straight away obviously keeping all the funds for herself. She was quite horrible about the way she went about things too, of course we can't forget that she lost her husband in all this, but even so. When the uncle was alive she kept her distance from his family, she was very aloof by all accounts and being a 2nd wife has no blood ties. I'm guessing as his death was completely out of the blue nothing was written in a will that would see his family alright so to speak...everything went to her....so approaching her would be a no no sadly!

She's tried talking to her boyfriend of course and maybe if he really thought he could be in danger of losing her, he might be a bit more considerate, but the way things are, he's holding all the cards and it would be too risky for her to make threats in case he did turn really nasty and of course he has the power to make her homeless. If they were sharing a place on mutual territory they could come to a agreement to part and maybe she could advertise for a flatmate, he'd be ok cos his mother would always put him up. The rent she pays wouldn't be enough to get her somewhere on her own. Think she's seriously got to come up with a plan B and try and quietly save for a deposit on a studio somewhere and start again from the bottom. I don't think she's in any danger of violence, he's just selfish..only two weeks ago he went off on a snowboarding holiday with his mates, although she said she jolly well enjoyed not having him there! She was a bit miffed that he didn't suggest that they had a nice holiday together!

Sometimes it's hard to admit that a relationship has run it's course, it's just easier to stay.
Surely she knows it would be a mistake to have a child with him, so if that's what she wants, she has to move on.
Maybe once she has made that decision then she can move on to the housing issue.

Pickles said:

Sometimes it's hard to admit that a relationship has run it's course, it's just easier to stay.
Surely she knows it would be a mistake to have a child with him, so if that's what she wants, she has to move on.
Maybe once she has made that decision then she can move on to the housing issue.

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I'd have to agree with that...if she wants to have a decent stab at a life with a nice partner and children..she's gonna have to get out of that situation as soon as she can..and if she does manage she's gotta make sure she's doesn't jump straight into another relationship with any old Tom, Dick or Harry just in order to get pregnant before it's too late...that could be disasterous. I'm just hoping that her fella wakes up to himself and grows up a bit..and if he geniunely doesn't want to have children discuss it with her properly and sensibly instead of making comments such as the idea makes me feel sick!

Could she perhaps move back with her family, or even rent a room in a shared property?

The fact that the boyfriend's mother actually owns the current property still means, she could kick her out if she got the boyfriend reported.

Sadly she can't move in with her family 'cause they're in Yorkshire and her job's down here. Her mother remarried taking her younger siblings some years ago up north. All have now left home married/live overseas and mum and stepfather have downsized..idyllic little cottage in Yorkshire dales so only good for a quick holiday! Yes she hasn't a proverbial leg to stand on where the property's concerned - even if they got married, the property would still belong to his mother. I think a shared property may be the best short term solution if she really feels she can't stay with him - It would be a brave move, but one I think she needs to do - very difficult!