Feel so sad, son's father has died.

Found out at work through a friend of a friend that my son's father had died, unfortunately he led an sorry lifestyle. An alcoholic for many years, in and out of rehab, but settled on a life of smoking cannabis and taking other drugs, and was unable to work for years. Without going right in to my life history, we separated when our son was very young, due to it being impossible to raise a child in such cirucmstances. I met a man who was a lot lot older than me, who I eventually married as he gave stability to myself and my Son's life, looking back I was never really in love with him, we were together for 10 years, marrying at about year 9, why - he asked, and I thought hey might as well. Subsequently I met and fell in love with my current husband. Sounds terrible me just up and leaving the man who had given me all that stability, but don't really want to go into that right now. Thankfully I am very happily married now to the man I really love.
My son's father had loosely kept in touch over the years, but only in the past few years have they built up any kind of relationship, which usually involved my son doing all the runnning, and acting like the father figure. Eventually they fell out due to his dad letting him down time after time and subsequently becoming abusive, (not physcially). My son decided to change his phone number and to stop contacting him. Of course now he has learned of his death he is devastated, not only that the only living relative is a sister who I've heard is on class A drugs and cannot be contacted, meaning that it's down to my son as next of kin to arrange some kind of funeral. He does not qualify for financial assistance and is in no financial position to foot the bill especially since he is getting married this year...stress enough in itself! We have heard that the sister has tried to gain access to her dead brother's flat, guessing to try and find collateral to pay for drugs. Sad thing is is that the chances are she'd be on benefits and could apply for a decent and dignified funeral for her poor brother...who despite his foibles was not a bad person and does not deserve to be cremated in a cardboard box without ceremony!
My emotions right now are so mixed, I'm bursting into tears most days and trying not to let my husband see the extent of my sadness, feel terrible for our son, who must feel as guilty as hell, though he knows it's not his fault, so many what if's and if only's..and to top it all, me and hubby fly out on holiday on Weds so wont be there to support him for a week, a week where things will probably start to happen. Also found out through this friend of a friend that my son's dad's own mother who'd been in a nursing home had died just before xmas and that the sister's daughter his niece also has a drug problem. I also know that the sister's own partner died about 5 years back, which probably put her on the road to ruin...She must be in a really bad place right now...I just wish I knew how to get in contact with her. It's a sad, sad nightmare x

So sorry merryone, such a sad situation.

It's a weird old feeling for sure, and certainly not good. A man who hasn't even touched my radar for years and years is now occupying my every waking thought - I'm fully aware that these feelings are largely sorrow for my son. I've looked back and thought could I have done anything differently and the answer has got to be no - I know I did the right thing and I've also thought to myself - If he could be brought back tomorrow would I want to be with him? - again the answer would be no. He even got married himself to a woman whom he met whilst in rehab, the marriage didn't last very long and I don't know any details of when, how and why it broke down. I just feel such an overwhelming sadness for the man who's the father of my son, who at the end died alone. Selfishly I got to thinking that had we been given the news that he was in hospital it would have meant that my son had a chance to make peace with him, of course it's possibly better that he died suddenly and didn't know anything about it - We still don't actually know what he died of as the histology report is yet to come back. I can just hope beyond hope that his sister comes forward, I know she must be in "a terrible place" and I dread to think what will happen to her. We remained good friends long after I broke up with her brother, we just drifted apart like you do, and now absolutely nobody knows how to contact her. One of Dave's (son's dad) old friends who I've been speaking to vaguely knows what street she lives in but it consists of blocks and blocks of flats and without knowing what block let alone the flat number - what can one do? I've searched all social media and can't trace her, or her daughter.

It is awfully sad, but you have done everything you could, you know you did, he made his choices and yes your son is in an awfully sad place, he too has no cause to berate himself.

The sister may qualify for a social fund grant, but, it is only given if other closer relatives aren't better able to fund the costs and there is a hierarchy of closeness of relatives. You don't have to have a funeral director.
http://www.naturaldeath.org.uk/index.php?page=diy-funerals

I do feel for you, there are people I have moved out of my life for whatever reason, who even though not as closely associated with me as being a parent, I should be very sad to hear if they had died. Hope you can find a way through this, if it gets too difficult, CRUSE is fantastic at helping people through bereavement. all the best msx

A quick update....only prescription drugs found in his system, so an inquest is going to be held. The authorities are going to check his property, I'm guessing to look for a note. I'm guessing that if they cannot prove that he meant to kill himself then a verdict of accidental death will be returned. Praying it doesn't turn out to be suicide, the situation's awful enough as it is!

I am sorry this is dragging on. It must be difficult for you and your son. I do hope it resolves without too much more delay and trauma. msx

Thanks - In a way I'm glad there was a bit of a delay as last week we were in Tunisia on holiday (had a great time btw!) My son has been told that the inquest shouldn't take too long (a week or so), so a bit more time to try and make arrangements for the dignified send off that he deserves. Crazy as it sounds, I feel like he's with me, and that he's happy for me and I get comfort in that. I'll keep you posted on what happens. Like I said I'd be devastated if I thought he'd killed himself intentionally, but can't think like that until we have the verdict.

An update - Although my son hasn't been given the full report yet, it would appear that he did not intend to take his own life, which comes as an almighty relief. From what information I can gather, the prescription medicine found within his system may not have been something that was prescribed to him - So it could have been that a friend had given him medication that they'd been prescribed for backache or something, and it reacted with medication he was taking, something like that, but until the full report is sent then we won't really know. He has been granted a "welfare funeral" thank God, and a friend of his who's a pastor is prepared to lead the service free of charge, and my son and some of his dad's friends are organising a wake/celebration of life party in his honour that afternoon. The situation is still sad of course especially since we've not been successful in contacting his sister and his niece, but now we have a date for the funeral we can place an obiturary in the local paper and perhaps she, or someone who knows them will see it and they will be able to come along and say their goodbyes, if that's what she wants - other than that, there's little more we can do. Still so many if's and buts are floating through my mind, had he not been alone then perhaps someone could have raised the alarm and something could have been done before it was too late - He lived within walking distance to the hospital! Such a tragic accident, and although our relationship was "way back when" - The world for me, is most definitely a sadder one without him in it!