Battersea Life Episode 2 - "The Egos Have Landed"
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Episode 1 can be found at
http://www.shoppingtelly.com/forum/s...ad.php?t=40887
Roberta Jones took a step forward, Dawn realised that the entire crew was silent, intently watching events unfold. Four more steps and Roberta was stood inches away from her, Dawn felt her bowels loosen and for a moment was thankful for the Power Knicks. Roberta sneered, then suddenly raised her hand and simultaneously waved and shrieked at someone over Dawn’s shoulder:
“Abi…. ABI!! ……. ABEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
Dawn winced and turned her face away, Roberta was only inches away and her breath smelled of the Cabbage Soup Diet (item no longer available) which had been one of the channels monumental failures from a couple of years before. As a result, hundreds of sachets of the noxious powder had been distributed to female presenters free of charge. By the management. Far from being a charitable act by their employer, it was actually a hint from the bosses that several of the on-air team, Dawn and Roberta included, were considered to be too fat for TV. Roberta hadn’t taken it at all well but after studying herself long and hard in her full length mirror (753398) had decided to comply.
Roberta hissed at Dawn “I’ll see YOU later” before flouncing off in a fug of cabbage-breath and J-Lo’s “Glow” (the concept of “that’s a little young for you” did not exist in Roberta’s book)
Abigail Jeung was the channels resident beauty expert. Described as a cool blonde, this was an understatement as she could in fact freeze water with the raise of an eyebrow. She was also an expert sales woman whose figures continually topped the league tables at the channel. This was the woman who famously sold a 27 piece “Models Love It” make up set (an “Amazing Special Value” item 222975) to a 98 year old man who had called the 0800 number by mistake in the belief that it was the funeral director. His wife had just died. “DON’T buy her this” said Abigail “She doesn’t’t need it…. Now how are your daughters coping? You do have a daughter I gather? No? how about a daughter-in-law who needs a new look for the funeral?”. The sale was in the bag. In the world of TV home shopping this woman was an icon. She was also the only presenter who actually ran her own department. She fired buyers frequently and with relish. There was no room for mistakes, no second chances. No-one got old whilst working for Jeung.
She was on her mobile phone as Roberta approached.
“Abi, babe, I need urgent hair advice… I’ve had it coloured again and…….”
Abigail silenced Roberta by holding up her hand palm outwards in the “STOP” position and placing it against Roberta’s nose. She carried on speaking into her phone…
“How much do they want for that? No way… no… tell her if she can do 100,000 units at 20 then we can talk, other wise tell her we’re going with DeColore for the ASV.”
Still with one hand up against Roberta, she pressed a button on her phone to pick up a held call.
“Yes I‘m still here….that model you sent yesterday, the blonde one. She tried to speak, do NOT send her again. In fact, sack her. Yes, you heard me… sack her from your agency. Look I don’t care if…. Excuse me? Let me make myself clear, do you LIKE having the contract for supplying this TV station with models? Right, well I think we understand each other then.”
She snapped the phone shut without saying goodbye and turned to Roberta, looking at her as if they had never met before.
“Yes?”
Roberta pulled a Scrunchee (431740) out of her hair and shook down a mop of frizzy hair.
“look at THIS” she said pointing at her head. “I had it coloured yesterday and its come out all wrong” her bottom lip trembled “what am I going to do?”
Abigail perused the frazzled mess for a few seconds then barked
“222152. Use three times on three consecutive days. The third time you use it, layer it with 221630. Leave it in for 3 minutes and 25 seconds precisely. Any shorter and it wont work, any longer and you‘ll be bald. Rinse. Rinse again. Rinse a third time. Then for the next four days use 221981, applied as a mask. That will do the trick. And leave the colour alone for chist’s sake Roberta, or you’ll have no hair at all…… And have you been sunbathing….?
Roberta giggled
“It’s Eek-A-Tan! Honest!” she lied (221009). She flicked back her hair in an exaggerated movement, and a few wisps detached and wafted slowly to the floor. “I’ve got to dash and get changed hun, I’ve got an hour of Diamonella with CTB and you know what she’s like!”
Alison Conan, known as Conan the Barbarian, or CTB by her colleagues, was by anyone’s standards a TV professional. In readiness for her hour of Diamonella which, inexplicably, she was required to present as a two-hander with Roberta Jones, she had arrived in the studio 30 minutes before air time. She had already closely studied the trolley which contained all of the samples of cubic zirconium jewellery which were to be sold during her hour. She had then pre-prepared an appropriate anecdote for each item and scribbled notes on the green card which contained the product information. It was very unlikely to happen, but any hint that she might be running out of things to say would simply require a quick glance at her card and the anecdote would be ready and waiting.
“I was fortunate enough to have a bracelet like this in genuine diamonds for my birthday recently. Obviously it was much more expensive than this but you really couldn’t tell the difference…”
“When my daughter started studying for her PHD - she’s at Oxford - I bought her a pendant like this as a good luck charm.. It was real diamonds but we do worry about her losing it. No need for YOU to worry though, not when its good old Diamonella…”
Alison Conan had never “dried” on live television and did not intend to start now. Her preparation was her insurance policy and, she was sure, made her more engaging to her audience. She looked at her watch and tutted. Five minutes to the hour and where was Queenie? Probably trying on some hideous new purple sleeveless “top“ as she called them. Alison glanced in the monitor at her own appearance. She was, as the saying goes, “put together”. She would not wear clothes provided by her employer unless it was required as part of a fashion show, in which case she did her best to disguise them by pushing up the sleeves or turning up the collar. The clothes she normally wore for work came from high end London stores, her shoes and accessories matched perfectly. She was manicured, pedicured, tanned , made up and coiffed to perfection. And most importantly of all… she was skinny.
Roberta Jones wobbled onto the set with 4 minutes to spare, bosoms heaving in, or rather out of a purple sleeveless “top“ (123968)… in her book, being here this early was way beyond the call of duty, but Conan did have a habit of getting tetchy if things were rushed.
“Hi hun…. Haven’t seen you for ages!”
“Hello Roberta… you look marvellous! Had your hair done? And I have to say I adore that top… is it one of ours?”
They air-kissed half heartedly and Roberta plonked herself behind the desk.
“I think it’s just a Karen Millen actually”
“oh lovely!” said Alison. “Now, I’m all prepped up as usual. Did you do your prep earlier?”
“No need to prep hun, I can do this with my eyes closed, as you know” Roberta emphasised the “I”, the implication being clear.
“Oh you’re a pro and we all adore you for it. Still going, after all these years, and years…. And years.”
Roberta seethed inwardly, after her bad hair day and Dawn Hanson stealing from her dressing room again she was NOT in the mood to take anything from this stuck up madam. CTB had been trying to steal Roberta’s “crown” since she joined the channel. Just because she’d done a brief stint on mainstream telly with “It’s Morning! With Robin and Joanie” she thought she was something special. Roberta girded her loins, flicked her hair and gave Alison a dazzling smile:
“Yes Ali its been a long time. I pride myself on how far I’ve got in this teeny weeny little world of shopping telly.. And I’m sooo happy that I’ve never had to compromise my position to get here.. Y’know not like some of them? I mean, can you imagine anyone sleeping with ANY of that lot on the fifth floor just for a few extra hours on air? It’s happened you know…..!”
The silence that followed was only interrupted by the director “Two minutes to air please… Two minutes everyone”.
Alison Conan’s smile was fixed. “No I hadn’t heard that. Who on earth could you mean I wonder? I daren’t even ask! Ha ha Still with your background in theatre and dance I’m sure you know all the tricks of the trade when it comes to getting to the top. I heard you were the one who could always throw your legs up higher than everyone else…….and wider”.
Roberta couldn’t hold it in any longer “What’s THAT supposed to mean you cheeky cow? I’m not the one whose on her second husband with a boyfriend on the side”
Alison responded immediately “Well no, you’ve never quite managed to make it down the aisle have you Roberta.. couldn’t you find a dress to fit? Or wasn’t he ever really bothered enough? It must have been so hard for you both.. A second rate trumpet player and a bit part actress with fat ankles and a smidgeon of ambition to get on the television. I‘ve seen it so many times before you poor poor thing. Those of us who are broadcasters in the true sense of the word have so much to be thankful for”
Roberta was incandescent with rage.
“BROADCASTER? HA HA who are you trying to kid? A few stand-ins for Joanie Flannagan when she was too pissed to get to the studio and you think you’re a broadcaster? By the way, did the husband try and feel you up or was he gay that week? Don’t tell me you didn’t know he was AC/DC? Maybe he thought you were a man? Just do me a favour darling, you couldn’t broadcast yourself out of a paper bag OR back into a job on mainstream”
The director, realising that things could be about to go horribly wrong : “Thirty seconds to air everyone, THIRTY SECONDS TO AIR”
Alison Conan gathered her green cards, shuffled them as if she were about to read the news and placed them carefully back on the desk in front of her. “I think we should leave this for now, don’t you Roberta? I’m a professional. I have a CV in legitimate TV as long as your arm. I am everything you always wanted to be, I am successful…..”
“stuff it you cow”
“I am happy…..”
“yeah right….. Bet your husband isn’t”
“I am wealthy…..”
“What are you working here for then?”
“But most of all Roberta, I am THIN!”
Their earpieces bleeped
“that’s 4 seconds, and 3, and two.. Smile everyone, lots of energy…. and GO!”
Roberta: “Good evening and welcome to THE shopping channel. I’m Roberta Jones and I’m delighted to be presenting an hour of Diamonella with Alison Conan. Ali, what a pleasure! we haven’t worked together for AGES!… ships that pass in the night etc”
Alison: “Yes Roberta, no idea why…. they must be trying to keep us apart!
Both: “ha ha ha ha ha”
To be continued in Episode 3, The Finale. Clarisse Dutton and Frances Jilks star in “Dumb and Dumber”
