Lost my lovely old boy

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alter ego

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I'm absolutely devastated. I've been trying to prepare myself for the last almost two years when, after having his spleen removed, the vet told us 4-8 months.

Since then he's amazed the vet and us, bouncing around like a pup and enjoying long walks (and being ready for another one after a small break). We did have a blip in July when he had a ear infection and a scan (vet thought it was something else) showed an enlarged prostate and kidneys. She wasn't our usual vet and wanted to put him to sleep. However, as we knew him, we insisted on treatment for his ear and the infection cleared up, leaving him back to his bouncy self. An older vet explained at a check up a week later that sometimes the prostate problem would be benign and that he'd not even consider putting such a fit and strong dog to sleep.

He was due his worming last week (it was slightly overdue, and when that happens he usually eats grass and throws up), so we wormed him and a few hours later he threw up. Thinking it was just his usual sicky thing, I ignored it, but put him on a bland diet of chicken and rice. Normally he's a greedy guts and it's nose in and dish clean at the speed of light, but something was definitely off. he was even refusing chicken so we hand fed him small amounts at a time. By Sunday we were quite worried so it was off to the vet on Monday where our again not usual vet gave him an anti-sickness jab and some ranitidine to help him find food more palatable. Tuesday morning he'd eat nothing and drink very little. We took him in and saw our usual vet who could see by our faces that he needed to do something so he took him in and did some tests. I hated leaving him. He hates the vets and started panicking as soon as he realised we were leaving. The vet was amazed at how strong he was, pulling to get to us. It broke my heart. I will never forgive myself for leaving him there.

We had the phone call to come in a few hours later. The vet brought him in and I could see straight away that he was very ill. Hardly any wag, sad, sad, tired eyes. We knew we had to say goodbye. The vet gave us some time together and brought blankets in for him to lie on. I asked him if he wanted a belly rub and he lay down. He didn't even try to protest when I put my coat under his head. We held him and stroked him while the vet injected him via a catheter. It was very quick and peaceful for him, but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

My beautiful boy has gone. I've cried almost non-stop since. I've not been able to move his bed or his bowls or toys. I went mental when OH took his bones off the garden. Then felt awful as I made him cry. We're both so upset, though he's gone to work which I think has helped him (despite one work "mate" sneering that he took a day off - without pay - to stay with me as I was so upset. Lovely guy - told OH that he didn't know what the fuss was, when his dog was put to sleep, he threw the body in the river on the way home. I think I would have done permanent damage to the bloke).

I'm feeling like I've been kicked in the guts every time I think of him or go out to the room where we kept his food bowls. The leftover "treats" are sitting there making me feel even worse that I never gave them all to him. The physical pain is leaving me breathless. If one more person tells me to get another one as "it was just a dog" I will scream. Or hit them.

I knew losing him would be awful as I loved him so much. I didn't realise I'd be going through this and so suddenly, though. Why did I not see this coming? I hate myself for not getting it right at the end, after preparing myself for so long.

R.I.P my lovely Sam 11/12/01 - 23/12/14
 
Aww AE I am so sorry to read this and my heart goes out to you. Please don't beat yourself up for the way you are handling it. You are far from alone. A friend of mine lost his dog in a very similar situation earlier this year, and he still fills up when he talks about him - believe me, it's normal for any compassionate person. I bet Sam had a wonderful life and loved you all unconditionally. That's what pets do. You did the right thing for him at the end, he knew it was time to say goodbye. Please cherish all the happy memories you have of him, and rest easy knowing that he is no longer in pain. Sending lots of love to you and your family. Xx

I can't bear to comment on your husband's colleague, but I'll leave you with a Ricky Gervais quote which touched me recently:

"Most people I've met who weren't kind to animals weren't kind to people either. Kindness is kindness, simple as that."
 
I am so sorry to hear about Sam.

He will be with you as long as you remember and now he is running free.

As for the bloke throwing the body in the river, good job I will never meet him. I would do damage and it would hurt him.
 
Tears came to my eyes as I read your post. So sad to lose a companion. The only thing that is good is that vets are allowed to put animals out of their misery. In my opinion you did right by him. Sounds like he had a lovely home with you.
 
I am so sorry to read about your Sam. Thinking of you and sending you (((hugs)))


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I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I know only too well what it is like to lose a beloved pet. Eventually, you will only remember the happy times that you have. It's a cliche, but the passing of time does help to erase the sadness. The well-known poem below has been a comfort to many pet owners. I hope that it will help you both.

The Rainbow Bridge (inspired by a Norse legend)

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.
For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.
 
I too have tears in my eyes reading your post. Only a few weeks ago I thought I was going to lose my beloved cat, The best Christmas present I had was having her still with me and fit and well again. We love our pets so much it hurts like hell when they have to leave us. Please stop blaming yourself - only a few months ago you fought for him to be kept alive. Thankfully you had the 'good' vet this time who's judgement you knew you could trust and who knew how much Sam meant to you both. The pain of your lose will ease but it will take quite some time and then you'll be able to remember the happy times you had with Sam. For now allow yourselves to wallow in your sorrow without feeling ashamed of how sad you feel - huge hugs to you both.
 
Your pain is so palpable through your post ae, your boy lives in your heart warm and cosy. We lived with the fear of death with our beautiful 12 year old house bunny and in the end it came swiftly. The gut wrenching pain does ease slowly. I couldn't bear to look at the corner of the carpet that was "her spot" without saying she should be there. But it was her time and we were lucky to have her for as long as we did. Pride yourself on the love you felt for your boy and pity deeply those that are not capable/enlightened/empathic for they know not the beauty you shared.
 
Im so sorry about your sad loss. I know how you feel as I had to take my lovely cat to the vets after we found out she had a tumour on her kidneys. I saw her when she fell asleep and cried all the way home from the vets with my son sitting in the back of the car who was a baby when this happened. He's 22 now and I still get upset when I think about her but we have lovely memories of her too.
 
I am so sorry to read of your loss. It is so heartbreaking for you, but you have given you dog a good happy life so try to remember all the good times. It will be tough but you will always have wonderful memories of your beautiful boy.
 
I am currently crying for your pain, I have had companion animals since childhood and it is never easy to make the final decision. Please don't beat yourself up because of the final day or two, be glad that you and he shared such a bond throughout his life. Eventually, that will be easier to manage, I am sure. For now, allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need, but try to remember the joy whenever you feel able, it is not disloyal, in my opinion it will honour his memory. Wishing you enough strength for the coming days. msx
 
Hugs to you on your loss. Our pets are very special people in our lives and I know I'll be feeling just like you when we lose our gorgeous Maisie (avatar). She will be 11 in April so I know we probably don't have many more years of sharing precious moments with our faithful friend so we will be devastated as we have been through losing our devoted companions a couple of times before. I hope in time you will be able to focus more on the wonderful memories but my heart goes out to you and your raw grief at present....xxxxx
 
You never can prepare yourself for the loss of a much-loved pet, but you were there with him at the end, so tho he felt ill, he knew you were there with him, and that's important. You have nothing to reproach yourself for...in time you'll be able to think about Sam with smiles instead of tears ..it'll take a while but it will come x
 
So sorry for you losing your friend; there's a painful gap in your family, so please be kind to yourself. I'll admit I had to skip the post from Toril, I can't read the Rainbow Bridge without blubbering.

So sad, but no one could have loved Sam more xx
 
Thank you All for your very kind replies. Each one has made me cry a bit more. But I'm so glad to have had such empathic replies. It's been three weeks and I'm still crying through the day. Every time I walk past his beds (he had a few in different rooms - as he got older, he'd go for a nap somewhere quiet) I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Same for when I suddenly think of him. I haven't had the heart to move them or his dishes, toys, brushes and lead. Probably not very healthy, but the only way I can cope at the mo.

We're picking his ashes up on Thursday - it's going to be very hard. I caught OH crying again last night. I've never seen him cry before we lost Sam. We couldn't have children, so Sam was like our baby.

Again, thank you, All, for understanding and supporting like you have.
 

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