Edna whilst sitting in her sheltered housing flat and watching QVC on TV dreams of her nightly trip to the residents lounge for a game of bingo.
She carefully plans her outfit and accessories according to Q`s style guru. Her Kimmy stretch top will give her comfort around her midriff after her hotpot supper and her Renee with control trousers will disguise her Tena Lady bulge.
The Kipling bag will hold her umpteen felt pens and bingo markers just in case half the other residents forget theirs and she has to help them out cos a bingo game is no good without players with pens. Seeing as many of them forget what day it is let alone remember their bingo pens she expects to need many pens so the Kipling is ideal for such a purpose.
Her fluffy Kipling monkey is her lucky mascot and she strokes him regularly throughout the evening in the hope he`ll bring her luck. He`s called Boris and his wayward fluffy hairstyle makes Edna want to ruffle him constantly.
Her Diamonique earrings,plus rings on several fingers and stacked tennis and friendship bracelets make her a target for the moaners on her bingo table. The constant clacking of them hitting the tabletop annoys them but Edna finds the sound strangely comforting because it reminds her of her late husband and his badly fitting false teeth.
The bingo caller asks for the lights to be dimmed as Edna`s sparkle from her eek rings and earrings are blinding him and he`s confusing 2 little ducks with 2 fat ladies.
The hotpot supper is laid out in huge Le Crueset dishes lifted onto the serving counter by the in house cherry picker for people to help themselves but they need a shovel to scrape the hotpot from the bottom of the pot where the heavy steel which has generated so much heat it has welded it. After the hotpot tasteless biscuits in even more tasteless tins are served with a cuppa. They all keep an eye on Bert who nicks the tins for his pigeon food and Doris who also steals them to store the large rubber buttons from her Miss Mary Of Sweden corset suspenders.
Edna loves her Emu boots to bits and her bunions have never felt so comfortable not to mention the corn on her little toe which is giving her hell. The Emus`s hide a multitude of corn plasters and dry skin but at least her ankles look classy if a little baggy.
After bingo the climax to her evening is to air kiss her friends goodnight and leaving behind a strong waft of Tova which the kitchen staff mistake as tomorrows egg mayo gone off so they squirt the whole place with Poo Pouri to mask the smell.
Edna retires to her room to spend the final 3 hours of her night cleansing, exfoliating, toning, masking, oiling, serum-ing and moisturising her face in the hope she`ll look 20 years younger by the morning.
Finally Edna takes off her boots, kisses Boris goodnight, hangs up her clothes, packs away her beauty regime into the large Amanda Holden trunk she keeps it in and then snuggles into her cozee home bedding which makes her sneeze from the bits it moults all over the bedroom floor but keeps her warm as toast until she has a hot sweat and has to turn on her Dyson fan. Goodnight from Edna !
