Calling all armchair psychologists

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merryone

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Sorry this does concern my "set in her ways" friend. As you know she'll plan months in advance for the most mundane of things. She is getting married this coming May. Neither herself, or her partner are religious, they don't want a big fussy affair and they don't want to spend a lot of money. They have opted for a civil partnership. I know for a fact that the only reason she's doing this is because she wants security, so should they split he can't turn her out onto the streets (his house you see). The ceremony is the most basic you can get, it's called "you and two" I believe. I feel honoured to be one of the two (a witness that is), the other is one of his mates. There will be no spoken vows, by all accounts the registrar reads through the rules so to speak, then both parties sign the register and off you go! Somebody mentioned it at her "party" yesterday, and she told us that weather permitting the after party open to everybody would be on the beach and bring yer own booze! Failing that a pub crawl starting in Wetherspoon's cause it opens early. Her workmate said she's just taken up photography and has bought herself a decent camera so she'll be happy to bring it and take some lovely photos, this was met with Nah, don't worry we've all got our phones!
When asked whether they'd be exchanging rings, surprisingly she said yes, he wears a stainless steel ring anyway so he's gonna wear it on the other hand now and her ring cost £26.50 from Argos! Neither of them are broke, and whilst I understand wanting to keep costs down, as weddings can be a hideous waste of money, but surely they'd want to spend a little bit more on something that's supposed to be as enduring as the marriage itself!
She told us that her mother offered to buy her a dress, she said she didn't want one as it would be pointless buying something she'd never wear again, we said well it doesn't have to be a wedding dress does it? She said I don't go any were remotely dressy any more so not worth it, so I asked her to buy me a jacket and I'll probably wear that on the day, Oh, ok what's it like, she said it's upstairs I'll bring it down in a minute had to buy it now 'cause it was in a sale and there was only one in my size left - It was a faux fur bright magenta hooded jacket with teddy bear ears!!!! There was a few open mouths so I piped up "won't it be a bit hot it May to wear something like that"? Nah she said, May can be very unpredictable and is often cold, if it's a nice day I won't wear it!
Her family aren't invited cause she thinks they'll be bored.
I don't get it, something as significant as this that actually requires a bit of forward planning and she doesn't want to know, but a few drinks in the local park requires military precision!
I have to say I am a bit disappointed, as I love a good wedding and haven't been to one for years, but it's not my day it's theirs, but I find it quite upsetting to see something like this treated with so much apathy especially when on another thread on the subject illustrated the struggles some of us faced as newly weds who struggled with very little money to try and make a memorable day for themselves and their loved ones!
Can anyone get their heads around this, given the background information I've given in the past - 'cause I don't think I can lol!
 
I see that this has had a good few views and nobody's come up with any ideas - or just that people are bored to death with me harping on about the same subject, seriously, I really do apologise but it does help me a lot to spill on here, it is so therapeutic! Anyway, I've come up with one theory and that is it's other people's rules and expectations that she can't deal with, as it makes her feel out of control. A marriage, civil or otherwise is supposed to be based on love, be celebrated as a special occasion. Or maybe she feels hypocritical given her reasons for the partnership!
 
Weddings are not everyone's goal in life. Being on show in the particular way you are at a wedding isn't for everyone.
I remember my guitar teacher and his wife popped along to the registry office after a morning decorating without getting changed. A few family members were rather miffed, but that was based on their expectations. The bride and groom felt more comfortable being relaxed and themselves.
It may be as you say and it's not a grand culmination of love so she wants to keep it really low key... or the formality and ritual of a wedding is too overwhelming either for her or her OH.
 
I was seven years of age when I vowed I would never marry, nor have children, so far so good. I did once imagine going to a lovely hotel, Coombe Abbey, and inviting everyone I wanted to be there to attend, hiring the entire venue for the event. I am neurodiverse, the particular type I experience, means planning is not my strong suit, if I ever did get wed, that is why I would do it in a nice hotel. I would tell the hotel, my allergies, favourite foods, and preferences for colour and let them do the heavy lifting. But MUCH too old now and there's no one on the horizon. My parents did wedding and other catering as a (as they call it now) side hustle, so I am probably much more blase about weddings than most.

Re your friend, if she is neurodiverse and if she has broken it down to the basic requirements for a legal safety net, then she may not view it as an emotional need, more as a way to get that safety net and that it doesn't require a seriously zuzzed up event. I am so sad for her to be honest. A celebration of one of the biggest life events should be exactly that, a celebration.
 
I was seven years of age when I vowed I would never marry, nor have children, so far so good. I did once imagine going to a lovely hotel, Coombe Abbey, and inviting everyone I wanted to be there to attend, hiring the entire venue for the event. I am neurodiverse, the particular type I experience, means planning is not my strong suit, if I ever did get wed, that is why I would do it in a nice hotel. I would tell the hotel, my allergies, favourite foods, and preferences for colour and let them do the heavy lifting. But MUCH too old now and there's no one on the horizon. My parents did wedding and other catering as a (as they call it now) side hustle, so I am probably much more blase about weddings than most.

Re your friend, if she is neurodiverse and if she has broken it down to the basic requirements for a legal safety net, then she may not view it as an emotional need, more as a way to get that safety net and that it doesn't require a seriously zuzzed up event. I am so sad for her to be honest. A celebration of one of the biggest life events should be exactly that, a celebration.
I have to say that I am too, but I guess I shouldn't be as it's clearly what they want. (or at least what she wants) I don't actually know who proposed to whom, if it was him, it would be purely out of love, as he has nothing to gain financially from the arrangement, and if it was him, I couldn't imagine that he asked her to be his "civil partner" - Possibly he asked her to marry him, she said yes but I don't want a big wedding. Hopefully they discussed this and decided mutually that a civil partnership suited them both better. She won't be taking his surname or even double barrelling, for her it's purely a safety net even though she does love the guy! They've been together for 10 years so I can't see them separating so hopefully she won't need the safety net anyway. Good luck to them of course.
I suppose looking at it, she does like the "mundane" and making something so significant as mundane as possible, it fits the mould, and as I said before I think she's terrified of not being in control and to follow what's expected of her by others takes that away from her. Thanks for talking folks x
 
Weddings are not everyone's goal in life. Being on show in the particular way you are at a wedding isn't for everyone.
I remember my guitar teacher and his wife popped along to the registry office after a morning decorating without getting changed. A few family members were rather miffed, but that was based on their expectations. The bride and groom felt more comfortable being relaxed and themselves.
It may be as you say and it's not a grand culmination of love so she wants to keep it really low key... or the formality and ritual of a wedding is too overwhelming either for her or her OH.
Years ago one of the girls were I worked went on her lunch and came back stating she and her boyfriend had got married at the registry office.
Everyone was gob smacked.
 
Years ago one of the girls were I worked went on her lunch and came back stating she and her boyfriend had got married at the registry office.
Everyone was gob smacked.
Good for her!
I worry about the type of bride for whom the wedding day, the dress, the attention and the honeymoon are their sole focus. The problems can start the very next day when they face the reality that it's about joining two lives together, and the person they're saying the vows with is a permanent fixture.
 
Years ago one of the girls were I worked went on her lunch and came back stating she and her boyfriend had got married at the registry office.
Everyone was gob smacked.
My mate has at least booked the day off and the day after for hangover reasons . No honeymoon which I suppose makes sense if you’re doing it as plain and simply as possible. We honeymooned in the uk as we didn’t have a lot of cash to spare. Married on the Saturday, Sunday was hangover day and we spent a few nights up in the Lake District and it was really lovely. Each to their own I guess - at the end of the day she’ll undoubtedly feel more secure which is all she really wants from this.
 
Good for her!
I worry about the type of bride for whom the wedding day, the dress, the attention and the honeymoon are their sole focus. The problems can start the very next day when they face the reality that it's about joining two lives together, and the person they're saying the vows with is a permanent fixture.
That sounds like my first marriage! We'd been together for quite a few years, had discussed marriage early on in the relationship, but as he'd been married before, church wedding with all the bells and whistles he was adamant if he got married again it would be a very low key/low budget affair. I must admit I was a bit put out by this (even though not being too fussed about a church wedding), but I certainly wanted it to be something a little bit special. The idea was pretty much put on the back burner and rarely discussed, until some years later out of the blue he proposed, at this stage in the relationship I wasn't particularly happy, but resigned to my fate so to speak, so I accepted thinking oh well, it'll be a nice day, an opportunity to don some glad rags and have a good knees up! I don't particularly remember the planning, but he did get his low budget/low key affair and on a miserable day in February a few family and friends gathered at the local registry office at noon, it was like a conveyor belt as we waited outside for another wedding to finish, and as we entered the room, we could see another party coming through the main doors waiting for their turn. The building was hideous so we had to cross a main road to get to the pretty gardens opposite to take a few photographs, everybody looked blue with cold. Then it was back to our place where we'd laid on a small buffet, no wedding cake, but plenty of booze thankfully, we put some cds on in the background and that was pretty much it. My mum stayed on to babysit whilst me and hubby went to the local steakhouse for a meal, it was a pretty "meh" day tbh and just over a year later we'd separated (a different story for a different day)
My second wedding was completely different, obviously helped by the fact that both our hearts were in it, and we were prepared to spend a little money on it (not too much, but enough to make it perfect). Again it was registry office but happily by this time the registry office had moved to a different venue, a much more attractive venue with a lovely courtyard outside for photos, a beautifully warm late April day helped and having experienced the "conveyor belt affect" We opted for the last slot 4.30pm so as not to be rushed, we had some drinks in a nearby pub, then went onto the reception - a perfect and memorable day for all the right reasons!
 
Just when I thought she couldn't get any more "organised" - Yesterday she pinged over the invites to her birthday picnic - It's July 15th!!!
 
Well the big day is fast approaching and I'm looking forward to be one of only 4 people who are invited to the actual ceremony and that includes the both of them. She's thankfully decided to abandon the idea of having every body pile down to the beach afterwards as other people will be arriving at different times, the weather could be a problem so sensibly she's reserved a couple of tables in a nearby pub one she's booked from midday onwards and another pub she's booked for 7pm which is good because people will know where to find us and can come and go as they please - but she's told everybody that she doesn't want people to bring their partners or any extra people cause space is limited. Her Oh's mum wanted to bring her best friend, and some of her friends have asked whether they can bring their oh's despite her saying she wanted to keep numbers down due to limited space. Now she says she's stressed up to the eyeballs because people aren't respecting her wishes. I totally get that, but I told her not to stress as the pub is unlikely to turn away trade especially on a Wednesday when it's unlikely to be that busy. Unfortunately unless you plan something like this properly then you're gonna run into problems, it's not as if she's providing food, drink and entertainment for her guests where of course numbers would be key, so people are thinking it's a pub which anyone can go to. I get it, but then I don't if that makes sense. I definitely think that telling her future mil that she'd rather not let her bring her friend is a step too far. All the inviting has been done via a facebook page. An important day like a wedding/civil partnership needs proper planning if you want it to your liking.
 
Thankfully, we have been invited to a wedding reception at the end of may, it's in a proper venue complete with all the trappings so I'm really looking forward to that as I haven't been to a wedding or a wedding reception for years. I feel a bit mean towards my mate as obviously she chose what was right for her but I'd much sooner go to a lovely venue, get a welcome drink, some lovely food to eat, a good boogie, hear the embarrassing speeches, watch the cake being cut, see their first dance etc etc - spending an entire day in a pub doesn't really appeal. I hope the pub she's chosen does food as I think a lot of people will be leaving early or popping off to the nearest burger bar for sustenance - I think it's gonna be chaos!
 

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