I'm getting there - I think

I'm glad to say that I'm no longer in floods of tears for most part of my day, and I'm gradually starting to look forward to things. I am however lacking the ooomph I need to get back into my old routine, cooking from scratch, preparing my meals to eat at home and take to work, big monthly supermarket shop, ironing, that sort of thing. My husband and I don't often eat together as we both do shift work, he's a great cook and does most of the cooking anyway. I've been eating in the works canteen for the past few weeks, but I'm already starting to feel the pinch financially even though I haven't spent any money on groceries this month. I start work at 2.30 this afternoon and after getting up at 9am have done little other than make myself a cup of tea and sit around playing games on facebook. Normally I'd have had breakfast, popped down to the local greengrocer who does amazing daily bargains for 20p, done a bit of housework, sorted out any correspondance - Everything feels like such a huge effort at the moment, and having a stinking cold isn't helping matters along that's for sure.

I haven't heard anymore from any of Dave's friends and acquaintances, only a reply to an email I sent to his old friends thanking them for their part in the funeral - The memorial quiz night is still on but that's not until later in July, I've asked them to stay in touch and I really hope that they do.

One thing I did discover is that the inquest into Dave's death has not yet taken place, I was under the impression that it had and that is why the funeral was allowed to go ahead. I realise now that they only wanted to rule out foul play and the actual cause will not be revealed until the 15th of August, so still a chance that a verdict of suicide could be returned (which would be a devastating blow) especially since it will come just weeks before my son gets married. Guess it'll do me no good to dwell upon it.

With regards to his sister I've been in two minds whether to make a concerted effort to make contact with her. The electoral register is accessible for just a few pounds and I was thinking maybe of dropping her a line to tell her that I've been thinking of her and offering her friendship and support, as she is family. What's stopping me, of course is the knowledge of the drug addiction of both herself and her daughter (who by all accounts is a walking nightmare -and not nice to know). All I could possibly offer is the hand of friendship, advice and a listening ear, support - but nothing financial. I'm just so frightened what consequences would come from taking her into my life. Maybe just a mobile number, she wouldn't have to know my address I guess, but as I say it frightens me and I'm still in two minds. I feel so half hearted, 'cause I know that some people would just take the bull by the horns and physically plough right in there and try and help. It sounds like a feeble excuse but I have no transport other than a pushbike, I work full time and wouldn't want to put any strain on my lovely husband who had major heart surgery a few years ago.

I keep thinking what is she doing with her life, is she working (probably not) is she just laying in bed all day, does she have a partner, how is she getting money for drugs, is she begging on the streets, why didn't she come to her brother's funeral (I'm not judging) but why? She was always a bit of a wild child when I knew her, but she was lovely just like her brother x

Hi sorry but if your sister is still on drugs especially heroin or crack cocaine, stay well away as she will just use you and put you and your family at risk. If you want to know how things are with her, hire a private detective - it would be cheaper in the long run.

I was almost hoping that I'd be advised to steer clear, the drugs thing terrifies me tbh. I had a friend who was a heroin addict, I met her at a mum's group and found out later she was an addict, you never would have guessed from talking to her at the group. As I got to know her better, I realised that there weren't many things she wouldn't do to get a fix. She never stole from me, but the more I got to know her the more she put upon me, especially when it came to looking after the child, phone calls at all times of night and day, hammerings on the door in the middle of the night when she'd had a violent fight with her partner, also an addict. Eventually her partner died, and her parents came down and "rescued" her. Thankfully she was able to get clean and go on to have a good life, a good marriage and more children. However, my ex sister in law has no such family to help, and myself and my son, well my son is anyway - family, and I think sadly she'd want lots lots more than a listening ear - It could be disasterous. Never thought about dealers and the seedy underworld and how it could coming knocking at my own front door, of course it could and that "family" connection could be used for bad rather than good. How terribly sad though. The world of category A drugs is somewhere I will not be prepared to enter for the sake of myself and my own family. Dave thankfully never got that far. Alcohol then recovery, then silly recreational drugs was as far as he got - Still killed him though. I say to myself that after our breakup it was not my responsibility to keep check on him, I know that, but I so wished that I had 'cause I didn't realise how much I actually cared about him till it was too late. Hard times x

Try to keep your focus on yourself and your family. These are the people who need you.

I have to say I totally agree, stay clear especially for your son's sake, she may be family ie his aunt, but she hasn't been family to him, has she?

Regarding your own feelings, are you intending to talk to CRUSE? It is good that you are less up and down, but you are not well, so give yourself a break.

Hey thanks MS. I wouldn't say I was unwell, even though I'm not quite my old bubbly self yet! Like I say I think I'm getting there, with the help from you guys here and talking on a bereavement forum I am working through my grief slowly and that includes the guilt, the ifs and buts and the plans for the future. I am starting to think more clearly. With regards to his sister I think I knew in my heart of hearts that my trying to reach her would probably not be of any help to her or her daughter, but could have horrible consequences for myself and my family. I think had she managed to attend Dave's funeral it would have been a different story, I am sad that she didn't and always will be. All I can do is hope that the poor lass is going to be ok eventually (whatever ok is, when you've pretty much lost your entire family in the space of 6 months!)
I probably won't contact Cruse as I'm hopeful that my ooomph will reappear soon, but if I really start to feel that I'm not coping I will most certainly ask for help
At the moment I love talking about Dave, especially with those who knew him - I do wish to keep his memory alive. Not quite ready to put him on the back burner just yet x Hope you don't mind me talking on here 'cause it really is very therapeutic! x

Hi Merryone, I have just been catching up on your threads.
My father died last October - I am, naturally, still grieving, and can understand why this has thrown you, even though you haven't seen him for so long.
Be kind to yourself - and don't take on other things that you can do nothing about (the former sister-in-law). She was only family in-name and not in action.
The most valuable thing I have learned lately is that some people are 'energy stealers' and you need all the energy you can keep for yourself and your son/husband/real friends. Some days will be harder than others - it creeps up on you when you think you are OK! But you will feel better, in time. Take care.

merryone said:

Hey thanks MS. I wouldn't say I was unwell, even though I'm not quite my old bubbly self yet! Like I say I think I'm getting there, with the help from you guys here and talking on a bereavement forum I am working through my grief slowly and that includes the guilt, the ifs and buts and the plans for the future. I am starting to think more clearly. With regards to his sister I think I knew in my heart of hearts that my trying to reach her would probably not be of any help to her or her daughter, but could have horrible consequences for myself and my family. I think had she managed to attend Dave's funeral it would have been a different story, I am sad that she didn't and always will be. All I can do is hope that the poor lass is going to be ok eventually (whatever ok is, when you've pretty much lost your entire family in the space of 6 months!)
I probably won't contact Cruse as I'm hopeful that my ooomph will reappear soon, but if I really start to feel that I'm not coping I will most certainly ask for help
At the moment I love talking about Dave, especially with those who knew him - I do wish to keep his memory alive. Not quite ready to put him on the back burner just yet x Hope you don't mind me talking on here 'cause it really is very therapeutic! x

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Of course, I don't mind, in grief we need all the support we can get, in this space you should be safe to say whatever you need and you should never need anyone's permission to do so! Particularly following such a complicated bereavement. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself! If you need more, pm me? msx

Thought I'd just post a piccie of us in happier times. This was way back in about 1986! Anyone else remember Miss Selfridge "Iron Lady Lipstick"?!