Regarding this proposed new venture, I wonder if the tea room will be run using a familiar business model:
Sounds like a goldmine to me! I'm in!
- They will take your credit card at the door so they can charge you before you sit down, let alone get your order.
- TSO (Today's Special Offer) - a deal on several items together, half of which you don't really want, at prices only possible thanks to amazing buying power.
- Auto Deliveries - the same TSO brought to your table at 30 minute intervals, sometimes slightly varied, but you won't always know what you're going to get and they may have problems getting supplies and have to cancel your AD order.
- Advance Orders - sometimes available when they sell out of certain treats mid-afternoon, but you have no idea when you'll get the item and your card may be charged whether it turns up at your table or not.
- Descriptions - you order what looks like carrot cake but they're calling it banana cake so you're not too sure what you'll get; to go with it, you order what to all intents and purposes is Earl Grey tea but they're calling it Earl Taupe because it's a Kelly Hoppen collaboration.
- Last Clicks - one week old cakes with 5p off.
- Upselling - you'll be strongly pressured to order more cake and then, to add insult to injury, you'll find a coupon pinned to your receipt for 50p off a "Till The Fat Lady Sings" DVD.
- Refunds - if you find a hair in your scone, or the clotted cream is off, you will be told you must be mistaken, but they will refund you this once. You will have paid already, of course, and you'll have to wait a fortnight for your money back.
- Following a refund, if you dare to complain again next time (because of course you'll keep going back despite the earlier bad experience, especially if you are a regular Facebooker), you will be sent a letter asking you to call to discuss your rate of return.
- Non-receipt - if you don't get the cake you asked for by the time you leave, you have to contact management and wait for a form to complete and return by post before you get your money back.
- Feedback - via tablets tethered to every table but the dropdown list is stuck on 5 stars so you can't select fewer and the software autocorrects the words "rubbish" to "superb", "rip-off" to "amazing value" and "vomit-inducing" to "delicious".
Sounds like a goldmine to me! I'm in!
