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Yes Vienna, you speak a lot of sense. But it is Mummy and Daddy who facilitate all this nonsense imvho. If the bank of Mum and Dad closed, then reality would bite wouldn't it? And if they are forever offering, who in their right mind would turn them down. My Mum helped me with paying for some things, like central heating, but it was made very clear how much and when I had to pay back and that this was their hard earned money for which I should be VERY GRATEFUL. And I was.
 
When I started working I was allowed to keep £5 of my wages the rest went to Mum and Dad for keep and food. My parents died in my early 20s so then it was up to me to pay the rent, electric, gas, coal and all food plus my personal care needs. I remember really resenting the girls I worked with who still lived at home, they just gave money to their parents and the rest of their wages they could go out party buy new clothes. I had to account for every penny and household had to come first. I once had the assistant bank manager telling me I could not afford to live on my own my wages were too low and couldn't move back in with my parents? I said well since they were both in Roselawn Graveyard no.😡
 
It`s good to be able to help your kids especially when they`re trying to help themselves. When I was a young married Mum with 2 young boys and a husband who worked every hour he could, so we could pay the mortgage and other bills. My parents would take the boys out for the day and they`d return home with new shoes or a new coat etc and my parents knew that was one less thing for me to worry about or to find the money for. They did the same at Christmas and would always slip me some money in the lead up to Christmas so as to buy extra food, Christmas treats or towards the boys Christmas presents. One year my electric cooker blew up and they bought me a new cooker but I never asked them and if I``d ever gone to them for money for nights out, holidays, clothes for me or whatever, then they`d have sent me packing.
When my boys became young men and by then there were 3 not 2 of them and were either at Uni, doing their training or beginning work, we helped them with deposits for accommodation, deposits for cars in order to get to work or money to tide them over until they got their first months salary or had finished their training but they then had to budget and pay for things themselves/ monthly rent/car payments etc and live according to their means.
I remember my brother being furious with one of his girls who`d asked for money to help pay her rent at Uni but who within days then buggered off to Greece for a month with her mates and her flights, a month`s living expenses whilst there would have paid her rent twice over. He gave her a right bollocking when she got home and over time made her pay every penny back because he said if she put a month away before paying for the roof over her head, then she needed a lesson in priorities.
Sometimes a bit of tough love is what`s needed.
 
Like you Donna my wages went to my parents for keep and I was completely self supporting by 20. It was hard but what choice was there, rent and food and heat were the priorities nothing left for fun. In a way I feel that our generation missed out on gap years/holidays/going out.

My parents never lent us money and I would never ever asked for anything.

I’ve got to say I feel sorry for men now who are expected to financially support a female partner to the standard that her parents have kept their little princess.

How do parents live and pay a mortgage as well as totally financing a couple of young adults.? At one time the biggest expense was paying for a wedding but now it seems to be never ending shelling out often for things like holidays that the parents can’t afford for themselves .

A colleague is in despair because her daughter is leaving home to do nursing and is virtually doing the ****** course for her . I said if she is intending putting peoples lives in her hands she better get used to standing on her own two feet! When she was going to inspect living arrangements (and completely reorganise housemates to ensure DD is cosseted) I suggested she buy a pair of scissors to cut the apron strings. Didn’t go down well
 
I used to be staggered when parents admitted they did not ask their kids for housekeeping - when they were working. The excuse was always "well, they're saving for this or that ', reallly ? so its ok to give your kids no sense of responsibility and let them believe that everything is free ? big shock when they get into the big wide world then. I then realised that those who wanted to 'help' their kids were parents who worked themselves, so 'didnt really need the money'. Growing up, our Mums stayed home and kept house on Dads money, so any extra was welcome. Also I think we kids back then, had a conscience, we knew the finances of the house wasn't much, so we didn't regret doing out bit to chip in.

I remember having this conversation with my brother about this, and he admitted his son 'only paid £20 A MONTH ! yet his take home pay was almost £400 !!! I just said to my brother " REALLY ? A FIVER A WEEK ? are you insane ? but there we are.
 
'A colleague is in despair because her daughter is leaving home to do nursing and is virtually doing the ****** course for her . I said if she is intending putting peoples lives in her hands she better get used to standing on her own two feet! When she was going to inspect living arrangements (and completely reorganise housemates to ensure DD is cosseted) I suggested she buy a pair of scissors to cut the apron strings. Didn’t go down well'.
Your colleague's totally to blame, loving & supporting your children is instinctive, creating spoilt babies is a conscious action.
 
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I know someone, he is well into his forties now, and he has always paid a pittance to his parents for his keep. I mean he may do stuff for them I don't know about but I was staggered when he told me. I thought no wonder you can be Mr Generous down the pub.... Mine's a large one p!ease.

Conversely...... Having left home at 18 I frequently went home on weekends to stay with my parents (somewhat unwillingly I have to admit but I was under orders) and SHE CHARGED ME RENT FOR THE TWO DAYS! I have no sympathy for these cosseted ones after that as you can imagine!
 
Twilight said:
'A colleague is in despair because her daughter is leaving home to do nursing and is virtually doing the ****** course for her . I said if she is intending putting peoples lives in her hands she better get used to standing on her own two feet! When she was going to inspect living arrangements (and completely reorganise housemates to ensure DD is cosseted) I suggested she buy a pair of scissors to cut the apron strings. Didn’t go down well'.
Your colleague's totally to blame, loving & supporting your children is instinctive, creating spoilt babies is a conscious action.
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TBH the mother is worse than the daughter, she phones her family about 20 times a day for idiotic things like did they eat their breakfast/lunch. Couldn’t come to work because a new pup was crying at night. Basically she drives us mad, I have little patience with her.
 
Once my husband and I left home we had to be independent. We paid for our own wedding reception and honeymoon, I made my own wedding dress and never asked for nor expected a penny from either set of parents (who wouldn't have given anything anyway). Same applied to our children - once they left home, they had to learn to stand on their own two feet - and they have. But they also come back, so tough love works.
 
Our younger daughter & her husband both work in schools, by looking after their daughter two days a week I save them fair amount in childcare costs so does that count as financial support? I do their ironing, put out/get in the bins, pack away the toys & vac/dust before they come back - I know what it's like to return home after a day in the classroom aware of the work that has to be done after supper & at least they return to somewhere tidy & welcoming.
 
Twilight said:
Our younger daughter & her husband both work in schools, by looking after their daughter two days a week I save them fair amount in childcare costs so does that count as financial support? I do their ironing, put out/get in the bins, pack away the toys & vac/dust before they come back - I know what it's like to return home after a day in the classroom aware of the work that has to be done after supper & at least they return to somewhere tidy & welcoming.
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I think you're a saint. Hope they remember this and return the favour when and if you need help and looking after in your old age.

How many of us had to come home from a days work, stand at the kitchen sink with our coat still on while peeling the spuds for the evening meal ???? Doing a course at night school, Oh, and doing all the chores at weekends. Clearly made of more robust stuff.
 
Twilight said:
Our younger daughter & her husband both work in schools, by looking after their daughter two days a week I save them fair amount in childcare costs so does that count as financial support? I do their ironing, put out/get in the bins, pack away the toys & vac/dust before they come back - I know what it's like to return home after a day in the classroom aware of the work that has to be done after supper & at least they return to somewhere tidy & welcoming.
Click to expand...

Oh, Twilight. I know it doesn’t work age-wise but please, please can I be your daughter? No toys to put away here but the rest ...
 
Twilight said:
Our younger daughter & her husband both work in schools, by looking after their daughter two days a week I save them fair amount in childcare costs so does that count as financial support? I do their ironing, put out/get in the bins, pack away the toys & vac/dust before they come back - I know what it's like to return home after a day in the classroom aware of the work that has to be done after supper & at least they return to somewhere tidy & welcoming.
Click to expand...

That’s a great thing you’re doing for them, no matter what the age they’re always your children. We mind the grandkiddies in ours but when they go away on holiday we’ll tidy the whirlwind they’d have left the house in. Got to admit though, they’re both very house proud and when you visit it’s immaculate don’t know how they do it when they’re all working from home (except for the toys the kids are playing with at the time) Puts me and the husband to shame really. 🥱

They’re amazing sons though (35 and 32) we’re so blessed, they’re always asking are we ok and do we need anything and at the end of every phone call (we speak every single day) they sign off with “love you, you know were we are if you need us” Yes we’ve been very blessed .❤❤❤❤
 
I have three daughters love them to bits even though they are a challenging triplet of horror sometimes. They are not allowed to live with me without paying something towards their keep when they are old enough to do so. BUT they get it back in spades now they have their own children. I try to help out with babysitting whenever I can and cash as and when needed. My mother in law and mum were very very generous to me and my daughters but both are gone now so its up to me now to do what I can. its very very hard on families now with the high cost of living and deflated wages.
 
brissles said:
I used to be staggered when parents admitted they did not ask their kids for housekeeping - when they were working. The excuse was always "well, they're saving for this or that ', reallly ? so its ok to give your kids no sense of responsibility and let them believe that everything is free ? big shock when they get into the big wide world then. I then realised that those who wanted to 'help' their kids were parents who worked themselves, so 'didnt really need the money'. Growing up, our Mums stayed home and kept house on Dads money, so any extra was welcome. Also I think we kids back then, had a conscience, we knew the finances of the house wasn't much, so we didn't regret doing out bit to chip in.

I remember having this conversation with my brother about this, and he admitted his son 'only paid £20 A MONTH ! yet his take home pay was almost £400 !!! I just said to my brother " REALLY ? A FIVER A WEEK ? are you insane ? but there we are.
Click to expand...

My mum only used to take £10 a week from me as I was in a pretty low paid job and she knew the chances are I'd be asking to borrow from her when the money ran out, but to be fair I did buy quite a lot of food for myself and helped around the house. My long term boyfriend, however used to give a huge chunk of money to his mum every week and whilst he was much better paid that me, the amount was disproportionate - I think he gave her £60 pr week which was about £2 shy of a week's wages for me! It illustrated to me that he had no intention of ever trying to save up for us to get a place of our own together whilst he was throwing so much dosh his mum's way. The rest of his money, he spend on clothes for himself, lads holidays and nights out! She was fixed in her council house, had a part time job in the shop up the road, so no travel expenses, didn't socialise other than the local bingo, obvs there were food and bills to pay but no more than our family. The final straw was when the right to buy one's council house scheme came up and he said he was going to buy the house for his mum - We argued about this and maybe I was being a bit mean spirited but it illustrated to me in big capital letters that he had no intention of planning for our future!
 
We’re very lucky that our sons and their wives have very well paid jobs, they’re executives in their field so to be honest they could buy and sell me and the husband. After downsizing and paying off our mortgage we retired at 50 so we’re comfortable and time rich. I know you don’t measure the love of your children and grandchildren by the amount of money you spend on them, but it makes us happy, they keep telling me and the husband not to spend so much but we like doing it. We’ve decided to put money in their bank accounts now because let’s face it, there’s only so many toys a child could have.

We didn’t take any keep when our sons (they offered) were at home because the bills were the same anyway, all we were doing was feeding them, this allowed them to study at University with no worries, they had a little part time catering job each at the hospital I worked that paid well, to pay for clothes and their spends to go out, so it was a good balance. They excelled at Uni and it’s more than paid off, they’ve rewarded us ten fold. Like I say we were lucky and I appreciate not everyone is in a position to do what we did, and of course doesn’t mean you love them any less. 🙏❤
 

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