Dave's funeral - update

[merryone]

Today we said goodbye to my son's dad Dave at his funeral. As I said my son did manage to get him a decent funeral. It was a beautiful service, with a eulogy written and read by one of his oldest friends, and a poem read by a lady friend. We had hymns and music that was close to his heart. There was around 18 of us in attendance so a pretty good turn out, and he was sent off in a lovely wooden casket topped with a beautiful wreath. The wake was held in his favourite pub and I only got back about an hour ago..my head is banging but so pleased and relieved it went so well. I understand that his sister was succesfully contacted but had said she wasn't coming cause she couldn't afford the bus fare £4.50 for heaven's sake, part of me is really angry as anyone can get that sort of money, I would have walked there myself..however, as I mentioned the poor girl has a drug problem, as does her daughter and must be in a terrible terrible place, so I know I should be more understanding, but I'll be honest I'm struggling - I wish she was there. Still feel really sad, despite the lovely words and lovely service, the flowers, the friends...I just think "That was his life - all wrapped up" I know he had a faith in God in his later life, so that gives me comfort. Can't have regrets of course, but how I wish we'd had a chance to make peace and even more a chance he would have been saved. We still don't know the actual cause of his death, but I suppose in due course. My son and I are going to be joining some of his friends for a pub quiz on his birthday, as he enjoyed doing this quiz with them, and we'll raise a glass or two. RIP darling x

 

[Akimbo]

Hi Suz, You've handled the whole episode very well, and for your son, you've helped him say goodbye to his Dad. Don't get me started on drug and alcohol related rubbish but you're probably right to just let it go. Holding on to even a tiny amount of bitterness doesn't change them and certainly won't do you any good either. Your son has a caring mum and I hope your head stops banging soon.
Jude xx

 

[mediastar]

So pleased you managed to give him a good send off. Next time take some Milk Thistle before drinking! Really helps with the hangovers! I know you must be feeling regrets, but between you and your son a sad situation was not as awful as it could have been. When someone is in the midst of addiction, they behave far from the way they would if they were well and complete, that applies to Dave and his sister. Remember, you can only manage your own behaviour and you can't change other people's. Take care and be kind to yourself. There will be a time when memories bring more smiles than pain, I hope anyway! msx

 

[merryone]

Thanks for your kind replies - Still feeling really sad today, time is a healer we all know, and I have got some really good things going on this year which I know I need to focus upon more. I'm still surprised though at how hard his passing has hit me, like I say I have no regrets as I did everything I did in the past for what I felt were the right reasons. If I continue to struggle for the next few weeks I think I might try and seek out some kind of counselling. Sorry to go on, but because yesterday was "all about Dave, a celebration of his life" I'm kind of left feeling that today isn't if that makes sense. My husband, bless him said something along the lines of "All over and done with now" I know he meant well, but it was hard not to cry in front of him and say " That's somebody's life you're talking about there!" And then I feel hypocrital as when he was alive, I didn't give him the time of day, we didn't exchange christmas cards, birthday cards, if he ever phoned I'd be eager to get him off the line, if I saw him in the street I'd have more than likely darted into the nearest shop, used to laugh when I heard about his shenanigans, but what I would give now for just one conversation, one sighting - Crazy! As what I said before still stands, were he still alive I would not want to be in a relationship with him instead of my husband - my husband is my world, and my son of course!
One good thing is that my son has planned to meet up with a couple of his dad's old mates to watch some football match soon, and of course the quiz night we're having on his birthday. I think had Dave had still been with his wife I wouldn't feel half as bad as I do, heard from one of his friends that she despite being an alcoholic (recovered I hasten to add) developed a serious addiction to prescription painkillers which saw her close to death on more than one occassion, don't know whether she's still alive, but do know that Dave wasn't widowed. Met the last ladyfriend he was with at the funeral, the one who read the poem, she was distraught. She also had lots of health and addiction issues and was very frail and needy, and as much as I would have liked to have offered her friendship and support, I know I have to be strong and live my life right and get through this, my son has her number and she's already being a little bit too much for him.
Hey, thanks for listening, and any advice would be welcome x

 

[mediastar]

Cruse is amazing. I suspect your son may wish to be involved with someone who knew his Dad to be close to his memory as it were, but addicts are needy and manipulative and destructive of those around them, misery loves company, as it were.

Now, I am not being unkind, just in my experience she will be like a clinging vine and emotional vampire. He has to extricate himself for his own safety as soon and without grace if necessary.

Keep being strong for him and weep with him if he needs it, weep for your loss when you need to. If you can, do tell your husband the truth of how you are feeling. I know your grief for your ex has nothing at all to do with your relationships now. I am sure it probably has everything to do with mourning a past dream, a memory, your youth and the love that brought your wonderful son into the world. AND it is a complicated grief, as you have guilt for how your ex's behaviour left you with no option but to avoid him as much as possible so you must have some guilt tangled up in it, guilt is useless and makes us behave out of character!

 

[merryone]

Wise words spoken there my friend particularly what you say about guilt, and you have hit the nail on the head about the past dream. You're also right about it being complicated. As much as my husband and I have a great relationship, I don't think I will be sharing my grief with him anytime soon, as I don't know how I'd feel if the boot was on the other foot. I think women tend to be a little more tactful, and perhaps I might ask him if he's ok, and offer a shoulder/listening ear should he need it then step back, wheras as not once has he actually asked me " are you ok in all this?" Like most people apart from my closest female friend think that I'm not particularly bothered because first and foremost he's my ex and secondly most things I said about him painted a picture of him being a nightmare to be with and impossible to live with, a lot of my friends remember those days first hand - but as I say don't consider that I could possibly be upset - "Bet you're shocked was the closest I got" and of course many many " That's terrible, sorry to hear that" They all showed concern for my son though which I did appreciate. My close friend did ask and that's because when her father died some years back, he'd been divorced from her mum for a long time told me that her mum was really really upset and said hope you don't mind me asking but are YOU ok? I've had some great chats with her and it's helped.
I appreciate that my friends only want to see me happy and quite possibly they don't want to stir up sadness that I might not have realised I had. Like I said I'll see how the next few weeks go and should I need any help I'll seek it. Thanks again, as it really helps talking on here x