Frazzled
Sense of humour intact
STV PARA-PARAQLYMPICS 2012 - The Final Event
It's the final day of Shopping TV Para-ParaQlympics which is taking place in the grounds of Waltzen Hall at Quaestuary Vampires Consortium HQ.
The approach to the purpose-built stadium was an awesome sight. As the crowds made their way to the arena assisted by gamesmaker Anne Dawnobs, their senses were bombarded by the decorative wrapping around the stadium exterior donated by IW MiraC. A colourful kaleidoscope of inter-linked Skarface neckwear punctuated by large animated posters of ShoppingTV 2012 athletes.
Close to the entrance was a large food stall, counters awash with sponsors fryers, pans and toasters. Q.V.C. presenter Caramel, hair stuffed into a shower cap, looked hot and harassed, she had been especially selected to give everyone the impression the burgers, sausages and toasted sandwiches were nutritious and low in fat.
Ice cream vans were struggling to cope with the demand for Kweezio yoghurts and ice cream "99's" topped with a Lily O'Riley flake and fudge sprinkles.
The Qlympic Stadium was finally full and buzzing with excitement, the air was charged with electricity and you could feel the tension as the vast crowd waited in excited anticipation. The ambient glow of ten million Q.V.C. solar lights added a charm to the ceremony of welcoming the athletes, which was about to begin. Who, from the qualifying channels, would become the Qlympic Champion?
Team TJC's Spacy Ennis reached the end of the drive from Waltzen Hall and entered the tunnel into the stadium. Glowing with pride at having been chosen to carry the Qlympic torch and soaking up the cheering coming from the crowd, she didn't notice the shadowy figure squeezed against the wall that sneakily stuck out a foot sending her crashing to the floor. As the torch flew through the air none other than, so-called comrade, Chloe "Big Bird" Marshmallow, caught it. "You didn't think I was going to let you have all the glory did you" she spat. Poor Spacy, who was totally winded, muttered "That’s extweemely wude and nasty Chloe, I thought you were my friend!" But Chloe was gone and already on the track.
To the roar of crowd she bounded up the steps towards the pergola under which stood the plinth holding the cauldron which awaited the Qlympic flame. At the top she turned towards the crowd, raised both arms in victory and slowly lowered the torch causing the especially crafted Eternal Wonkee Candle Cauldron to burst into flame. As the crowd turned their attention back to the finalists now entering the stadium, a hand appeared behind Chloe and grabbed her ankle pulling her down behind the plinth. Spacy and Chloe were eventually separated and removed from the stadium by Q4S security guards.
All eyes were now on the main entrance into the stadium and a deafening cheer went up as the Consortium's Presidential car, affectionately called "The Beast", drove slowly into the centre of the arena with Q4S IW bodyguards Howhard and Shawn jogging alongside on high alert and clutching their, what appeared to be, rather large weapons.
For the majority of people, the chance to see POTUS and FLOTUS in real life would be a once in a lifetime experience.
Howhard and Shawn opened the heavily armoured doors of "The Beast" and the President and First Lady Of Television Upmarket Shopping stepped out of the vehicle waving and smiling to the sea of happy faces around the stadium. Just as POTUS was telling FLOTUS she should have dressed up her outfit with a little pump, there a flash and loud bang as one of the motion sensitive solar lights exploded. FLOTUS screamed, and in her panic, caught her toe post sandal on the steps to the opening ceremony podium. The magnificent Diamoneek Crown flew from her head and hurtled into the sky at great speed…..
Overhead, the passing pigeon managed to avoid its brush with death but sent a message to convey its feelings towards the bonnet of the vehicle below. Bodyguards "H" & "S" sprang into action. Their weapons raised and primed, they fired. The fine mist fell and enveloped the offending splat. "H" & "S" whipped out the neatly folded micro fibre cloths from their top pockets and like greased lightning one wiped and one polished returning "The Beast" to its showroom shine splendour.
The fallen Crown was quickly retrieved and removed by Q4S. It was immediately packed, processed and rushed off in a security van to Jewellery Maker in the hope it could be reconstructed in time for the big Q.V.C. auction in October.
Having regained their composure and given speeches, POTUS and FLOTUS responded to the cries of "Get off" from the crowd, and declared "Let the Qlympic Final event begin!".
Due to the shameful ruckus caused by Chloe and Spacy, all of Team TJC had been disqualified. The two Derricks, known affectionately as "The Juxtapose Twins" (one for Anna there) had prepared for such a disaster and were trying to bribe the QIOC adjudicator with some smuggled "Sworsky" items. But their luck was out as the adjudicator had a jeweller's loop with him. "Och! Come on Little Derrick, let's go" said Big Derrick "We were nae going to win anyway with the weight of all these Shamboll*ck bracelets".
Anne Dawnobs was dutifully assisting the public and officials, but being the only one with a lighter, was diverted to re-light The Eternal Wonkee Cauldron. Just in time, as the Shopping TV finalists were making their way into the stadium marching around the track waving and showing off their corporate Qlympic kits.
It was a carnival of colour. Team IW Randy Lurve in Palatzzo trousers, slinky vest with co-ordinating Skarface cravat, Dawny Bibb wearing an Aztec kaftan with a cheeky MiraC uncrushable hat.
Then came Team Q.V.C., they looked resplendent in their stunning kit. The heavily embellished Kim&Hope vests complimented the stretchy tracksuit jeggings, forgiving from the rear, and the two united by glittering cummerbunds.
"The Silver WhereFox" led the way followed by "The Javelin", Daly Ballantine, Goldie Mutton and Jolene? - a newcomer who had slipped in unseen at the last moment taking the place of Mo MeeHaw who had been disqualified for running under the hurdles in the semi-final - but who was she?
As Jolene hurriedly explained to the team they hadn't met as it was her first day, the Wavey Bose speakers echoed round the stadium "Could Anne Dawnobs please return to The Eternal Wonkee Cauldron as it's gone out AGAIN!"
The final event, with only a gold medal to be won, entailed a single circuit of the track with a few obstacles to be overcome on the way. The athletes lined up - "Take your marks" - "Set" - Oh no! in her excitement Dawny Bibb made a false start! This was disastrous for IW, but rules are rules, meekly and in tears poor Dawny had to leave the stadium disqualified.
They lined up again, the starting pistol fired, the pigeon's luck ran out, and to the roar of the crowd the athletes set off.
After three minutes they reached the 100 metres mark and had to stop to fill two Eezy Fill hanging baskets each in 90 seconds. Compost and plants flew in all directions and "The Silver WhereFox" collapsed with exhaustion. IW Randy Lurve had the advantage of months of practice and set off again several seconds before the remaining Team Q.V.C.
Five minutes later at the 200-metre mark the gap had closed thanks to a lightning sprint by Jolene. Sadly Goldie Mutton had crashed out after a nasty head over heels tumble. Running like an emu was never going to work whilst wearing them. "Mummy will be so disappointed in me!" she wailed.
The second challenge was to each fill a Lulu Guiness handbag with an assortment of tea bags, toffees, pies and other rubbish in 60 seconds without damaging the bag, they had to be returned to the warehouse for a forthcoming TSV. Finding himself disorientated by the task, Daly Ballantine realised his race was over and decided to drop out. It would later be established he had drunk large quantities of Flower Power before the race. This left Randy, Jolene and "The Javelin" to battle it out as they set off towards the 300-metre mark.
"The Javelin" sensed she was in with a chance of the gold medal and set her sights on Randy Lurve who had fallen into second place behind Jolene. Randy's Palatzzo trousers had started to droop and were dragging on the ground. Javelin seized the opportunity and, as she passed him, surreptitiously trod on the flapping material sending Randy flying off the track and eliminating IW from the contest.
The only obstacle now between Javelin and the gold medal was Jolene. "This unknown upstart muscling in on us, the regular presenters!" The venom Javelin felt now spurred her on. At the 300-metre mark they were only required to change into the latest Quakker Velour trouser set in 30 seconds for the final stretch. Q.V.C hoped this image would remain ingrained in the minds of crowd who would feel compelled to order in their thousands. Jolene had struggled somewhat putting on the trouser set but set off towards the finish at the same time with "The Javelin".
Javelin, so named due her shape rather than being able to move at high speed, was unable to keep up with the muscular Jolene who easily won to the roar of crowd. Jolene fell to the ground exhausted and, having crossed the line in last place, Javelin went over to her. A gasp went up as everyone noticed Jolene's hair had moved to one side and over her face. Javelin, now highly suspicious, demanded "Why are you not wearing Porchester nail varnish?" and noticing, where the Quakker trousers had torn, she shrieked in abject horror "WHAT is all that hair on your legs!"
As Qlympics officials approached, Jolene burst into tears "I just wanted to know what it would feel like to win as a woman" she bawled. The crowd started to chant "Who are you?, who are you?"!!!
Realising the game was up Jolene calmed herself, removed the trainers and slowly, very slowly, commenced the shocking reveal…….!
Javelin was now in a state of hysteria as the realisation hit her, "I am the Qlympic Champion and I HAVE GOT….FOR ME!….THE GOLD MEDAL!!!!!!!!"
However, there was more shocking news to come…
"The Javelin" was later stripped of the title and gold medal following a drugs test, which had revealed a higher than normal amount of banned cosmetic chemicals in her blood.
The crowd were now baying for blood at the fiasco. Fighting had broken out between those who, on their mobiles, had successfully ordered their Qlympic Quakker gear via the old website, and those whose only option was the new website. Some had finally been "tipped over the edge" and having been forcibly removed from stadium by Q4S, were mounting an attack on Waltzen Hall where terrified Q.V.C. Executives and I.T. personnel had taken refuge.
With the help of soothing background music from the Wavey Bose sound system, Q4S were able to restore some calm for the medal ceremony. Q.V.C. had called a C.O.B.R.A crisis meeting - Consortium Office Briefing Room A, deep in Waltzen Hall dungeons. Following a unamious vote, the title of Champion and the gold medal was presented to the wonderful gamesmaker and keeper of the cauldron - Anne Dawnobs.
The closing ceremony was cancelled. Most of the crowd were now under arrest, and The Eternal Wonkee Candle Cauldron had gone out again before the medal ceremony and couldn't be re-lit as Anne Dawnobs lighter had run out of gas.
Quietness fell as the stadium sound system and lights were turned off. All that could be heard was a sobbing Javelin clutching a 2016 entry form and softly singing….
:song: "Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
and when she passes, each one she passes goes - ah":song:
Aaaahhhhrrrrrggg!!!
It's the final day of Shopping TV Para-ParaQlympics which is taking place in the grounds of Waltzen Hall at Quaestuary Vampires Consortium HQ.
The approach to the purpose-built stadium was an awesome sight. As the crowds made their way to the arena assisted by gamesmaker Anne Dawnobs, their senses were bombarded by the decorative wrapping around the stadium exterior donated by IW MiraC. A colourful kaleidoscope of inter-linked Skarface neckwear punctuated by large animated posters of ShoppingTV 2012 athletes.
Close to the entrance was a large food stall, counters awash with sponsors fryers, pans and toasters. Q.V.C. presenter Caramel, hair stuffed into a shower cap, looked hot and harassed, she had been especially selected to give everyone the impression the burgers, sausages and toasted sandwiches were nutritious and low in fat.
Ice cream vans were struggling to cope with the demand for Kweezio yoghurts and ice cream "99's" topped with a Lily O'Riley flake and fudge sprinkles.
The Qlympic Stadium was finally full and buzzing with excitement, the air was charged with electricity and you could feel the tension as the vast crowd waited in excited anticipation. The ambient glow of ten million Q.V.C. solar lights added a charm to the ceremony of welcoming the athletes, which was about to begin. Who, from the qualifying channels, would become the Qlympic Champion?
Team TJC's Spacy Ennis reached the end of the drive from Waltzen Hall and entered the tunnel into the stadium. Glowing with pride at having been chosen to carry the Qlympic torch and soaking up the cheering coming from the crowd, she didn't notice the shadowy figure squeezed against the wall that sneakily stuck out a foot sending her crashing to the floor. As the torch flew through the air none other than, so-called comrade, Chloe "Big Bird" Marshmallow, caught it. "You didn't think I was going to let you have all the glory did you" she spat. Poor Spacy, who was totally winded, muttered "That’s extweemely wude and nasty Chloe, I thought you were my friend!" But Chloe was gone and already on the track.
To the roar of crowd she bounded up the steps towards the pergola under which stood the plinth holding the cauldron which awaited the Qlympic flame. At the top she turned towards the crowd, raised both arms in victory and slowly lowered the torch causing the especially crafted Eternal Wonkee Candle Cauldron to burst into flame. As the crowd turned their attention back to the finalists now entering the stadium, a hand appeared behind Chloe and grabbed her ankle pulling her down behind the plinth. Spacy and Chloe were eventually separated and removed from the stadium by Q4S security guards.
All eyes were now on the main entrance into the stadium and a deafening cheer went up as the Consortium's Presidential car, affectionately called "The Beast", drove slowly into the centre of the arena with Q4S IW bodyguards Howhard and Shawn jogging alongside on high alert and clutching their, what appeared to be, rather large weapons.
For the majority of people, the chance to see POTUS and FLOTUS in real life would be a once in a lifetime experience.
Howhard and Shawn opened the heavily armoured doors of "The Beast" and the President and First Lady Of Television Upmarket Shopping stepped out of the vehicle waving and smiling to the sea of happy faces around the stadium. Just as POTUS was telling FLOTUS she should have dressed up her outfit with a little pump, there a flash and loud bang as one of the motion sensitive solar lights exploded. FLOTUS screamed, and in her panic, caught her toe post sandal on the steps to the opening ceremony podium. The magnificent Diamoneek Crown flew from her head and hurtled into the sky at great speed…..
Overhead, the passing pigeon managed to avoid its brush with death but sent a message to convey its feelings towards the bonnet of the vehicle below. Bodyguards "H" & "S" sprang into action. Their weapons raised and primed, they fired. The fine mist fell and enveloped the offending splat. "H" & "S" whipped out the neatly folded micro fibre cloths from their top pockets and like greased lightning one wiped and one polished returning "The Beast" to its showroom shine splendour.
The fallen Crown was quickly retrieved and removed by Q4S. It was immediately packed, processed and rushed off in a security van to Jewellery Maker in the hope it could be reconstructed in time for the big Q.V.C. auction in October.
Having regained their composure and given speeches, POTUS and FLOTUS responded to the cries of "Get off" from the crowd, and declared "Let the Qlympic Final event begin!".
Due to the shameful ruckus caused by Chloe and Spacy, all of Team TJC had been disqualified. The two Derricks, known affectionately as "The Juxtapose Twins" (one for Anna there) had prepared for such a disaster and were trying to bribe the QIOC adjudicator with some smuggled "Sworsky" items. But their luck was out as the adjudicator had a jeweller's loop with him. "Och! Come on Little Derrick, let's go" said Big Derrick "We were nae going to win anyway with the weight of all these Shamboll*ck bracelets".
Anne Dawnobs was dutifully assisting the public and officials, but being the only one with a lighter, was diverted to re-light The Eternal Wonkee Cauldron. Just in time, as the Shopping TV finalists were making their way into the stadium marching around the track waving and showing off their corporate Qlympic kits.
It was a carnival of colour. Team IW Randy Lurve in Palatzzo trousers, slinky vest with co-ordinating Skarface cravat, Dawny Bibb wearing an Aztec kaftan with a cheeky MiraC uncrushable hat.
Then came Team Q.V.C., they looked resplendent in their stunning kit. The heavily embellished Kim&Hope vests complimented the stretchy tracksuit jeggings, forgiving from the rear, and the two united by glittering cummerbunds.
"The Silver WhereFox" led the way followed by "The Javelin", Daly Ballantine, Goldie Mutton and Jolene? - a newcomer who had slipped in unseen at the last moment taking the place of Mo MeeHaw who had been disqualified for running under the hurdles in the semi-final - but who was she?
As Jolene hurriedly explained to the team they hadn't met as it was her first day, the Wavey Bose speakers echoed round the stadium "Could Anne Dawnobs please return to The Eternal Wonkee Cauldron as it's gone out AGAIN!"
The final event, with only a gold medal to be won, entailed a single circuit of the track with a few obstacles to be overcome on the way. The athletes lined up - "Take your marks" - "Set" - Oh no! in her excitement Dawny Bibb made a false start! This was disastrous for IW, but rules are rules, meekly and in tears poor Dawny had to leave the stadium disqualified.
They lined up again, the starting pistol fired, the pigeon's luck ran out, and to the roar of the crowd the athletes set off.
After three minutes they reached the 100 metres mark and had to stop to fill two Eezy Fill hanging baskets each in 90 seconds. Compost and plants flew in all directions and "The Silver WhereFox" collapsed with exhaustion. IW Randy Lurve had the advantage of months of practice and set off again several seconds before the remaining Team Q.V.C.
Five minutes later at the 200-metre mark the gap had closed thanks to a lightning sprint by Jolene. Sadly Goldie Mutton had crashed out after a nasty head over heels tumble. Running like an emu was never going to work whilst wearing them. "Mummy will be so disappointed in me!" she wailed.
The second challenge was to each fill a Lulu Guiness handbag with an assortment of tea bags, toffees, pies and other rubbish in 60 seconds without damaging the bag, they had to be returned to the warehouse for a forthcoming TSV. Finding himself disorientated by the task, Daly Ballantine realised his race was over and decided to drop out. It would later be established he had drunk large quantities of Flower Power before the race. This left Randy, Jolene and "The Javelin" to battle it out as they set off towards the 300-metre mark.
"The Javelin" sensed she was in with a chance of the gold medal and set her sights on Randy Lurve who had fallen into second place behind Jolene. Randy's Palatzzo trousers had started to droop and were dragging on the ground. Javelin seized the opportunity and, as she passed him, surreptitiously trod on the flapping material sending Randy flying off the track and eliminating IW from the contest.
The only obstacle now between Javelin and the gold medal was Jolene. "This unknown upstart muscling in on us, the regular presenters!" The venom Javelin felt now spurred her on. At the 300-metre mark they were only required to change into the latest Quakker Velour trouser set in 30 seconds for the final stretch. Q.V.C hoped this image would remain ingrained in the minds of crowd who would feel compelled to order in their thousands. Jolene had struggled somewhat putting on the trouser set but set off towards the finish at the same time with "The Javelin".
Javelin, so named due her shape rather than being able to move at high speed, was unable to keep up with the muscular Jolene who easily won to the roar of crowd. Jolene fell to the ground exhausted and, having crossed the line in last place, Javelin went over to her. A gasp went up as everyone noticed Jolene's hair had moved to one side and over her face. Javelin, now highly suspicious, demanded "Why are you not wearing Porchester nail varnish?" and noticing, where the Quakker trousers had torn, she shrieked in abject horror "WHAT is all that hair on your legs!"
As Qlympics officials approached, Jolene burst into tears "I just wanted to know what it would feel like to win as a woman" she bawled. The crowd started to chant "Who are you?, who are you?"!!!
Realising the game was up Jolene calmed herself, removed the trainers and slowly, very slowly, commenced the shocking reveal…….!
Javelin was now in a state of hysteria as the realisation hit her, "I am the Qlympic Champion and I HAVE GOT….FOR ME!….THE GOLD MEDAL!!!!!!!!"
However, there was more shocking news to come…
"The Javelin" was later stripped of the title and gold medal following a drugs test, which had revealed a higher than normal amount of banned cosmetic chemicals in her blood.
The crowd were now baying for blood at the fiasco. Fighting had broken out between those who, on their mobiles, had successfully ordered their Qlympic Quakker gear via the old website, and those whose only option was the new website. Some had finally been "tipped over the edge" and having been forcibly removed from stadium by Q4S, were mounting an attack on Waltzen Hall where terrified Q.V.C. Executives and I.T. personnel had taken refuge.
With the help of soothing background music from the Wavey Bose sound system, Q4S were able to restore some calm for the medal ceremony. Q.V.C. had called a C.O.B.R.A crisis meeting - Consortium Office Briefing Room A, deep in Waltzen Hall dungeons. Following a unamious vote, the title of Champion and the gold medal was presented to the wonderful gamesmaker and keeper of the cauldron - Anne Dawnobs.
The closing ceremony was cancelled. Most of the crowd were now under arrest, and The Eternal Wonkee Candle Cauldron had gone out again before the medal ceremony and couldn't be re-lit as Anne Dawnobs lighter had run out of gas.
Quietness fell as the stadium sound system and lights were turned off. All that could be heard was a sobbing Javelin clutching a 2016 entry form and softly singing….
:song: "Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking
and when she passes, each one she passes goes - ah":song:
Aaaahhhhrrrrrggg!!!
