JR writing a book

[barbedwire]

'Will ya stop lickin' me shoos man, yers givin' me the feer' whined Cheryl.

'I'm literally so sorry' intoned Ali. 'I'm actually really so very sorry. But please, please tell me that you do actually literally use ProCollagen Marine Cream and NOT literally, actually Cream E45 which is in no way prestigious with a literal, prestigious actual formula...'

'What are ye gannin' on aboot?' sad La Cole, reaching into her handbag, pulling out a pocket sized pot of Vaseline Rosy Lips and smearing it on her perfect, rosebud, thug punching mouth.

Ali's face dropped in horror as she realised the lies Cheryl Cole had been spouting - Pro Collagen Marine Cream had all been a lie...she turned round to see Julia in the doorway looking on. Ali wiped away the tears from her eyes and Julia, hesitant for a second, put a reassuring arm around her shoulder - but cast Cheryl a steely glare

'I'd get out of here if I were you, love...' she said

'It's ok, I'm gannin' - yer man Simon is gettin' right on my tit ends with his flamin' polyester and it's chafin' me chuff sommin' chronic...' and with one swoop she was gone, leaving Ali bereft in tears with Julia's dress being used as a snotrag...

It was now or never for Julia - she had to confront spindly thin Simon...

 

[Boris Bear]

but as she turned to leave the room she bumped into Jeanette Krankie.

"This Philip Kingsley hair mask is just fandabidozey," said Jeanette. "Forget Cheryl she's so yesterday, I can literally be the face of beauty for you!".

Julia flounced out, wiping the mask from her ample chesticles ...

 

[silversequin]

"This place is starting to resemble a madhouse" mused Julia, she was no further on in her planning of a devastating(sara G's best word) routine to win over the new management team and convince them that she was irreplacable. Nothing seemed to be working, charm, threats, blackmail, seduction, pouting, posing, hair flicking, bosom flashing, flip flop flouncing and now ****** Jeanette Krankie was prancing around and getting on her nerves. "Face of QVC beauty the nerve of the woman" chuntered Julia just as Charlie and the "boys" skipped down the corridor practising their new routine, all ready for the new management. Julia ground her teeth in anger as they passed by all a- shimmer in their Indigo Moon outfits, clutching teal dimonique boxes and humming " It's raining men". There they were, all her former admirers and flirt buddies, Dale, Julian, Simon B and even Craig and the gardening one!! "Time for action" muttered Julia shoving the wretched Krankie woman to one side and .............

 

[alanrob]

Her book should be about how she has managed to avoid wearing Shoes for years. I mean who wears Flip Flops in the middle of Winter.

 

[pa1916]

It'll be available in bargain bins for 99p.

OOH a bit below the belt.:mysmilie_701:

 

[margaret43]

"This place is starting to resemble a madhouse" mused Julia, she was no further on in her planning of a devastating(sara G's best word) routine to win over the new management team and convince them that she was irreplacable. Nothing seemed to be working, charm, threats, blackmail, seduction, pouting, posing, hair flicking, bosom flashing, flip flop flouncing and now ****** Jeanette Krankie was prancing around and getting on her nerves. "Face of QVC beauty the nerve of the woman" chuntered Julia just as Charlie and the "boys" skipped down the corridor practising their new routine, all ready for the new management. Julia ground her teeth in anger as they passed by all a- shimmer in their Indigo Moon outfits, clutching teal dimonique boxes and humming " It's raining men". There they were, all her former admirers and flirt buddies, Dale, Julian, Simon B and even Craig and the gardening one!! "Time for action" muttered Julia shoving the wretched Krankie woman to one side and .............

marching down the corridor towards the lift. She stabbed the button manically and waited impatiently for the doors to open. Up she went, right to the top and knocked on the Chairman's door, before making a grand entrance. "Right oh, it's payback time", she announced. "I've been thinking of writing my autobiography for quite a while, and have copious notes at the ready along with detailed diaries going back 30 years. I WILL of course be revealing many juicy titbits, and YOU will feature heavily in most chapters, UNLESS you give me the one thing I've been dreaming about for the last 16 years ...........

 

[lizdelassa]

"Liposuction. Yes I know you've been trying to put me off saying that I don't need it, but it's the only way I will now be truly happy. I've tried diet chef and easiyo unsweetended youghurt but I can still hear Jill Franks cackle boring into my very soul, I will not be happy until I am as osteoporitic as she will be in a few years, nothing you can do will change my mind".

(To himself) "How about we don't give her liposuction but say that we have? I've been fooling everyone for years about our QVC goods and of course other things (he looks her ample frame up and down) surely I can tell JR and the public anything and they'll believe it"
(To Julia) "But my dear, my QVC queen, you don't need to lose weight. You look so much better than Jill Franks, remember, she is a few years younger and has plenty of time to catch up with you, I mean she will never look as good as you, you are my pretty little Ava Gardner lookalike"

"And you are my Aviator, lead me anywhere and make me a special bra for my special assets."

Julia leaves in better spirits, "he will not get rid of me" she tells herself, "there's too much history between us. I have nothing to worry about."
As she continues to gloat up the corridor making her way to her dressing room she bumps into Simon.
"Oh, I didn't notice you" she says
"So you think I'm insignificant?" he asks
"More so than me" she thinks but does not say so. Instead she says...................

 

[LE lover]

OOH a bit below the belt.:mysmilie_701:

but very true

 

[LE lover]

"Liposuction. Yes I know you've been trying to put me off saying that I don't need it, but it's the only way I will now be truly happy. I've tried diet chef and easiyo unsweetended youghurt but I can still hear Jill Franks cackle boring into my very soul, I will not be happy until I am as osteoporitic as she will be in a few years, nothing you can do will change my mind".

(To himself) "How about we don't give her liposuction but say that we have? I've been fooling everyone for years about our QVC goods and of course other things (he looks her ample frame up and down) surely I can tell JR and the public anything and they'll believe it"
(To Julia) "But my dear, my QVC queen, you don't need to lose weight. You look so much better than Jill Franks, remember, she is a few years younger and has plenty of time to catch up with you, I mean she will never look as good as you, you are my pretty little Ava Gardner lookalike"

"And you are my Aviator, lead me anywhere and make me a special bra for my special assets."

Julia leaves in better spirits, "he will not get rid of me" she tells herself, "there's too much history between us. I have nothing to worry about."
As she continues to gloat up the corridor making her way to her dressing room she bumps into Simon.
"Oh, I didn't notice you" she says
"So you think I'm insignificant?" he asks
"More so than me" she thinks but does not say so. Instead she says...................

through gritted teeth, "Sorry Simon i was miles away, how lovely to see you" Simon looked uncomfortable as he guessed Julia was up to something, but she was in no mood to spend time stroking his twinkly ego. She swept past him and her red faux fur collared centigrade coat nearly sent him flying.
As she passed the conference room she could still hear "It's raining men" being blasted out. She peered through the tiny glass window and could see Craig and Dale waving their pink pom poms. That bought back a few memories for her.
Suddenly, it came to her that Eureka moment she could join the boys, after all she was an experienced dancer, she had danced with Dougie squires young generation in 1975.
She entered the room and looked longingly at the hot sweaty bodies writhing around."Hi Dale, i love your pink headband". she said coyly.
"Craig turn the music off" panted Dale. Poor Craig he was treated as the goffer as he was still perceived as the new boy.
"Boys i could be just what you need to liven this up a bit" she purred seductively. There was an awkward silence as they looked at each other wondering who would tell her the news.
"Well don't look so enthusiastic" she said, amazed that her feminine charms weren't having the desired effect.
"Look i do pilates i'm extremely supple and very bendy" she boasted. The men all looked at each other and shook their heads in unison as if to try and erase that image from their brains. They they had only recently got that image out of their heads and now there it was again.
"Look Jules" said craig trying to relieve the tension "It's Julia to you." she barked "The last person who called me Jules got sent back to America, of course the official party line was because he missed his family but i think we all know why"
Craig grovelled sensing that what was about to transpire would send her into orbit.
Julia was becoming increasingly impatient, her flip flopped foot began tapping on the floor, but she was stopped in her tracks when she caught a glimpse of their newest recruit ...........

 

[Mrs James]

the truly small jeanette krankie

 

[icr24350]

the truly small jeanette krankie

now that IS below the belt :mysmilie_61:

Wonder if they will make a film of the book ? Any suggestions on who could play her ?

 

[silversequin]

Jeanette had had a complete QVC makeover, the total works. First she had been shoehorned into some Brazilian shapewear, then draped in Kim and Co Firework print slacks and matching top. This stunning ensemble was accessorised with a flurry of animal print items, a Butcher Basso hat and gloves fought for attention with a Dreamkeeper wrap. The final triumph was the Kirks Folly and Dimonique glitter and shine that bedecked Jeanette's ears, neckline, wrists and teeny tiny size A fingers. Julia glanced down(it was not very far) at her rival's titchy weeny feet and saw that they were encased in the very last pair of Markon boots, was there no end to this hell? Then she surveyed the artistry of Jeanette's countenance, Ali Young had truly wrought her magic.Layer upon layer of Spackle, Bobbi Brown, Genni line filler, wallpaper paste, and easiyo yoghurt had imparted a youthful glow to her complexion. YBF cosmetics brought a vibrancy and a dynamism to her features that Julia could only marvel at. Small, tiddly, tiny and truly lovely, Julia felt the tears well in her eyes, now if it had been Cheryl Cole she could have seen her off with a flick of her Ojon enhanced tresses, but the ravishing and totally petitie cutie Krankie woman was a true rival. Oh she felt like punching her, knocking her itsy bitsy lights out, but instead she.............

 

[silversequin]

now that IS below the belt :mysmilie_61:

Wonder if they will make a film of the book ? Any suggestions on who could play her ?

Jennifer Saunders would be brilliant as JR I reckon, what could the film be called? I LOVE this thread, I was doing a job application yesterday and when i was getting bogged down with my supporting statement I logged on and laughed til I cried, you lot are so witty.:mysmilie_61:

 

[LE lover]

she decided to befriend the fandabydozee one. "Jannete my lovely" she gushed.
"Aye" came the reply
"I'm Julia, Julia Roberts how do you do" she said in the fake posh accent she had recently adopted
"Ya doesne look like Julia Roberts to me, You've let yourself go a bit luv,I lovedya in pritty woman, but now working on a shopping channel, havya no shame"
That was it, Julia was incandesant with rage she had been insulted by a Krankie her day couldn't get any worse or could it.......

 

[silversequin]

She flinched as she heard the strains of grandiose music and then began to splutter in a most unladylike way as dry ice billowed into the room. "What fresh hell is this?" she thought. In the corner of the room Charlie and the "boys" were all of a tizzy, as they knew that any minute Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and Arlene Phillips were about to stride into the room to pronounce judgement on which of the presenters were still considered able to con the nation out of its hard earned cash\sell high quality designer goods(delete as applicable). Julia, being a lady and a dance school graduate was not given to foul language, but under such pressure and after suffering so much she finally cracked. Cursing like a market stall holder trying to erect an awaning at 5am on a bitter winter day she launched herself at Simon Cowell shrieking "you can ****** well............

 

[Mrs James]

.....cover up those high-waisters with a turquaaaaze blowzon top !!!

 

[rosey]

.....cover up those high-waisters with a turquaaaaze blowzon top !!!

Very 'ON TREND'...................:mysmilie_17:

 

[LE lover]

.....cover up those high-waisters with a turquaaaaze blowzon top !!!

and join me in a little private dance if you know what i mean." she said fluttering her wonky eyelure false eyelashes.
Simon was aghast at how obvious she was but was intrigued. He got up from behind his desk, stopping only briefly to remove Cheryl's head from out of his backside.
"He looked her up and down, apologised that there would be no dirty dancing because he was already seeing ..........

 

[silversequin]

Claire "girlie wirlie" Sutton and Jill Franks!!!! After all Jill had been in Byker Grove with Ant and Dec so she and Mr Cowell had plenty of pillow talk. However the thought of that private dance had embedded itself somewhere in his subconcious and began to tease his mind like the soft carress of gentle finger tips dipping into a fresh pot of Elemis Collagen Marine Cream (which of course Simon did not need as botox provided the scaffolding for his manly features). He recalled seeing Julia rammed into an overtight number at one of those never ending chavvy red carpert events that he was compelled to attend in his capacity as galactic ruler of all things naff. Ah yes the TV BAFTAs. It was all coming back to him now. He began to formulate a plan, after all he had made millions from exploiting\mentoring\controlling many other highly unpromising "talents". He could market Julia, make even more money (although he had enough to bail out the entire western world) use her up, cast her aside and then seek out a fresh sacrifice for was he not the Pagan god of light entertainment? True she was no Leona Lewis, but she could still do the splits!! "Hmm Julia, never in all my time of watching shopping televison have I seen presenting skills that are so.........(long pause as Julia waits trembling with quivering lip and tear filled eyes for the verdict of the godly one) UNIQUE, you totally nailed it on the last Kim and Co show, in fact I ordered three items and I'm not even a woman, I belive you have the TSV factor, the QCUT factor and if your pivate dance shows me the rest of your abilities including the famed splits I may offer you ................

 

[Mrs James]

a job cleanin up after Subo