TSV Halloween night - trick or treat!


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Sense of humour intact
Sep 26, 2009
Planet Earth, mostly...
It was approaching midnight the night before All Hallows Eve at Quaestuary Vampires Consortium HQ, Waltzen Hall, deep in the wilds of Mordorphine.

Although the pairing of guests and Tormentors always took place between 2am and sunrise, this night was special. All Hallows Eve was the one night of the year that a dormant chip in the vampire-like Tormentors programming was initiated to super-charge their hypnotic powers, allowing them to suck brain cells from viewers skulls through the screens of TV's and computers. This surreptitious Halloween plot had been perfected by the Consortium over many years and had kept the TV shopping population firmly in their clutches. Millions gripped, watching hour after hour, helpless and unable to change channels. Compelled to buy similar products over and over again. An item of apparent special value cunningly launched at midnight so details could be passed to friends and family the following day, thus luring more and more people in.

The guest presenters were gathered at the back of Wartzen Hall nervously eyeing the Tormentors they could be paired with for the following evenings shows. Although the heinious practice of "brain sucking" was also in their interest, on this night Q.V.C. liked to remind them, and the companies they represented, just who had the real power by humiliating them in a way appropriate to the occasion. Tonight the pairing would be by random selection and some guest presenters would be forced to take part in the degradation of their colleagues.

Wartzen Hall was a wondrous place, the sparkling Diamoneek ceiling awash with fluorescent light from a thousand Wonky candles magically suspended in mid air. Gruesomely carved pumpkins, freshly harvested by viewers favourite gardener Jackson O'Lantern, marked the route to the far end of the hall. There stood a magnificent plastic patio table on which a cook had place an essential, lifetime guaranteed sorting wok, full of rosy apples gently bobbing about on a foaming mass of Dertie Bott's "every flavour" Kweezio yoghurt.

Guests would be summoned in turn to the sorting wok to attempt grabbing an apple with their teeth, hopefully containing the name of their preferred Tormentor, and praying the yoghurt wasn't the one flavour everyone dreaded – a concoction brewed by Dertie Botts founder, Tormentor Catherina Fudge – affectionately know as Witchie-Poos.

There was good and evil amongst both guests and Tormentors, the fatal outcome would be if the final pair matched were the "evil" from both sides. The only hope of salvation for the viewers was if the match ended with "good" from both sides. This would de-activate the Tormentors super-charge chip, although suspiciously this had never happened in eighteen years. Dale StumbleBore and Samwise Simonton would oversee the sorting tournament.

The Tormentors had been whittled down to six for this special Halloween event. The rejected including Craig Malfoy, Frodo Murphy, Foxianna Dawnob and Fleur Slutton have joined some of the unwanted guests Simon Potter-Browne, Lulo Stout and Kelemis Decleor who, are busy brewing potions to keep the chosen guests calm under the supervision of the Dark Lord Charlie Smoulderdork. The Dark Lord, who was rarely spoken of, had an exceptional ability to comatose viewers and this could be enhanced to such a level on the coming eve that he was considered just too dangerous to be one of the selected Tormentors.

Alongside the wok on the table, stood Globby the shiny faced sorting elf, whose actual job was to literally shriek the names of guests, summoning them to the table to face their ordeal. The Tiffany style handcrafted peacock lit mantle clock chimed twice, it was time for the sorting to commence. Stumbledore switched on the Wavey Bowes sound system slot loaded CD player, which filled the air with the Fort Isaacs Fisherboy's Chums rendition of "No-Hopers, Jokers and Rogues". Luckily the Wavey Bowes has peerless acoustics.

Globby puffed herself up "Sheeeelllllooobbbb!, approach now!"

Shellob made her dash. The 600 thread-count robe of cool crisp taupe cotton and her fixed stare quickly crumpled as threads of melted wax dangling from the floating candles matted the already straggly hair and soaked into her robe. Thousands of last year's calendars adorning the walls came alive with screaming Tormentors who, punching each other out of the way, leapt from calendar to calendar mobbing Shellob mercilessly. On reaching the table she hesitated but Globby shoved her head straight into the wok. The bubbling yoghurt engulfed her as she frantically thrashed around searching for an apple. Successful, she dropped the apple at Globby's feet who announced Lucious Ballantyne as the chosen Tormentor. Shellob was devastated, Lucious was not a favourite of hers, she had never been happy with the way he plumped her pillows. She consoled herself…

At least the yoghurt had tasted of strawberry.

Second to run the gauntlet was Hairgrid Paves. He was terrified, he had been badly injured the previous year by guest cook Jellie Jones who actually delighted in "food bombing" the chosen guests from her broomstick. She had caused Hairgrid to slip and sit on shattered glass from fallen Wonky Candle jars. Even with EnJoi tweezers, plus built in light, it had taken several days to remove every shard. As Globby shrieked his name he fled to the sorting wok, this year without incident. However as it was announced that his Tormentor was to be Serengeti Thomas he felt the panic rising in his throat, he knew tonight would be a rough ride. Just back from terrifying the wildlife in Africa she had still not forgiven him for failing to finish her wedding wig following O'Jon's failure, despite combining all their products, to condition her hair. Still….

At the least the yoghurt had tasted of vanilla.

Having retrieved a dislodged hair extension, Catherina Fudge replenished the wok with a fresh supply of Dertie Bott's yoghurt, this time a strange yellowy, green colour with an unusual aroma. StumbleBore instructed Globby to continue.

Next was Harald Krumb. With his bejewelled hands out-sparkling the Diamoneek ceiling he scampered up the hall towards the table shouting abuse at the overhead wailing banshee Lucrezia Botoxia. She desperately tried to Bomb him but missed, the contents exploding over the floor of the hall. Harald arrived at the table, and without removing his sunglasses he glared at Globby and snarled. Then through gritted teeth he hissed "Darlink, I vill not be haffing ze head plunking in ze vok!". He grabbed an apple from the sorting wok and shoved it in Globby's gob splattering her face with Kweezio. He looked at his hands, sobbing at the sight of his beautiful rings dripping with the strange colour yoghurt. Poor Harald had to be removed to hospital which meant the following show would run for two hours. Just before he had fallen traumatised to the floor when told fashionista Glenn LeStrange was standing in for Morgana de Flynt, he licked his fingers…..

At the least the yoghurt had tasted of kiwi and banana.

Kelemis Decleor was called to the hall to re-touch Globby's make-up and hair, but with just two hours left before dawn, there was only time for a quick blast of Pursy & Recede's dry shampoo and conditioner, which, already tried and tested for that perfect Halloween look, as a bonus did a good job on the hair as well.

GandRalph was one of the more popular guests, especially amongst the female viewers who fell for his charms in drones, depleting the planet of all things iridescent and lustrous. He was the ideal candidate for the two-hour show, and as such was escorted to the sorting wok by guest Kirkiana de Folly, she filled the air with magic dust to protect them from the diving cook and banshee. Fortunately GandRalph had his inhaler with him and managed to reach the table without suffocating. Because of his great age, he was handed a special pearlised apple to save him the indignity of "yoghurt diving". Tormentor matriarch and 2012 Booker Prize hopeful J.R.Kowling squealed with delight when announced as GandRalphs Tormentor and thrust out her bosoms. She knew he would be putty in her hands and show little resistance to her feminine wiles. Aware he would be unable to defend himself, the normally genteel GandRalph followed her out of the hall muttering, "For fecks sake ditch the leggings and I thought you had new strappy wedges?!" J.R.K. winked and cheekily tapped her nose. As they left, unable to resist, he had dipped his finger into the wok….

At the least the yoghurt had tasted of raspberry.

Bobbing around like a jumping bean on Space Dust was the penultimate guest MadEye Kimbleson. Twiddling her cummerbund and unable to contain herself, she set off before Globby could shriek her name. Had she not kept giggling and chatting to the calendar Tormentors, she would not have slipped on the candle wax and gone headlong into the contents of the sorting wok, which had transformed into a buttery toffee colour. Globby was very happy as she liked all things buttery. MadEye had managed to grab an apple but was by now hysterical, Globby slapped her face. This had an instant calming effect on MadEye who stared at Globby until she was in focus through the yoghurt mask and then promptly slapped her back saying that messages in her head had urged her to do it. Globby withdrew the Tormentors name from the apple and gasped "Oh my god! It's wicked witch Madam Mim!". Apart from MadEye, the hall fell silent for a good minute. Then Madam Mim took MadEye, who was frantically licking her lips, by the hand and they skipped off to spend the time before the show searching for Lilly O'Lilo chocolates and reading Mimsy's entertaining blog…..

At the least the yoghurt had tasted of caramel.

With now only one guest and Tormentor left the evil v evil outcome was once again unavoidable. This was disastrous for the viewing population, especially the majority who had been regaining confidence since the Christmas in July event. Once again, they would be rendered powerless to resist as the super-charged Tormentors removed all trace of any regenerated brain cells from their skulls.

Globby and all the Tormentors were ecstatic and already starting to party. She shrieked the names of the final pair and instructed them to come to the table.

"Slytherthing and Jollom, the night will be ours once more, enjoy"

Slytherthing, came out of the shadows at the end of Wartzen Hall and instantly the Wonky Candles flickered and dimmed. The eerie light played on the pallid skin of Jollom waiting at the other end. Even the calendars turned themselves to the wall as Slytherthing slid up the hall assisted by the splattered Bomb regenerating juice. The pumkins lining the way instantly decomposed, the nauseous mush combining and reacting with the juice. Anticipating a new product launch, Lucrezia Botoxia hovering overhead was heard to shout "Hey!, hey!, hey!, hey!, yeah!, yeah!, yeah!, yeah!".

Slytherthing was the one guest even the Tormentors had to put a brave face on for, and everyone was secretly smug that the last apple contained Jollom's name.

The pairing of the gruesome twosome could be a financial disaster for Q.V.C. who were hoping enough viewers for brainwashing would stay watching in anticipation of the next program. The bait would be an extra special TSV launch at midnight with teasing adverts throughout the evening. The philosophy behind the TSV was a bonanza box of beauty products containing just the bare essentials of, Perilcrone, Crappino and Prye-C serums and creams, coupled with a Monarchs Realm romantic dinner for two, only £159.99 with 4 easi-pays. The cost of the free P&P and been craftily incorporated into the price, no one would ever know. An extra temptation to buy the TSV was that victims...whoops sorry…customers would be entered into a free prize draw. The 1st prize a fun filled day at Q.V.C. for the lucky winner and their family being entertained by all the Tormentors. The 2nd prize was two fun filled days.

Suddenly, as Slytherthing approached the end of hall where the simpering Jollum was waiting, a loud whoosh and comets tail of light sped around and around the hall. It was guest Simon Potter-Browne on his Nimble2000 Oreck Firebolt anti-bacterial lightweight ball technology cyclonic propology broomstick - a cinch to navigate around the legs of the table. Simon had long suppressed sympathy for the poor extorted viewers and had decided if the final pairing failed yet again to be good v good, he would exact a long overdue retribution on the chosen two. He swooped down across the table grabbing the handle of the sorting wok and accelerated high into the roof of Waltzen Hall. Some of the yoghurt, now a simmering rich brown glutinous mass, slopped over the edge of the wok and dropped onto the trembling Slytherthing. "Oh no" cried Jollom "The yoghurt is making your faux fur animal print skin even more slimy!". "Don't worry," hissed Slytherthing "It's reversible"

The noise of the diving Nimble2000 was terrifying. Slytherthing and Jollum were in awe and transfixed, looking up with mouths wide open. Jollum gasped, "That’s aaaaamaaaazing, I love it!, I can't live without one!" Simon screamed "They don't make them in pink Goorgeous!", "Woo Hoo!!" He made his final pass over their heads tipping the wok and releasing the bubbling contents that appeared to fall in slow motion before engulfing the intended victims.

Simon would pay a high price for this rebellious outburst. Lord Smoulderdork snatched him from the Nimble2000 and dragged him off to his fate which lay deep in the dungeons of Waltzen Hall. It would involve several hours of torture on "The Rack", a grisly punishment overseen by the much feared Narledandlean Brugherman, an expert in causing excrutiating pain. It is rumoured that the much missed Morbid Harradyne had suffered a similar fate following an attempt to sabotage an "In the Kitchen" hour after Lock'n'Leak products were dropped from the schedules.

Unfortunately, such was the power of Q.V.C., the scandal would remain forever a secret from the would-have-been grateful viewers. Still….

At the least the yoghurt didn't taste of chocolate! :devil:


"Names have be changed to protect the guilty and any resemblance between the characters in
this story and any persons, living, dead or undead, would surely be coincidental."​
That is completely awesomesauce :nod: :grin: well done...really cheered me up this morning!!!
So that's what you used your extra hour for last night! Bravo Fraz next can we have a tale about Quaestuary Vampires Consortium's embittered rivals "Grimauld World"?

Jude xx

Brilliant - I nearly choked on my (thankfully chocolate flavour) breakfast!!


WOW - LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT !!! :mysmilie_467: :mysmilie_467: :mysmilie_467:

That's hysterical I can't stop laughing, :mysmilie_508:

What a talent. you've certainly missed your vocation (unless you're JKR in disguise?). When's the next installment please? Please say there is going to be a follow up????


my only frustration is i couldn't work out all the characters ;)
I don't watch QVC much so had to think about some of the characters but I'm sure most will know immediately who they are !
:mysmilie_504:Brilliant and funny,the characters names were inspired, come on Burlz this has put us in the mood for more Battersea life, and Frazz--more please.
I've re read this and it was just as good the first time, brilliantly written and soooo funny ! :mysmilie_507:

Has anyone worked out who all the characters are yet? I'm struggling with a couple of them but as I said previously I don't watch QVC that often. Any ideas who Shellob or Lucrezia Botoxia are ?
I've re read this and it was just as good the first time, brilliantly written and soooo funny ! :mysmilie_507:

Has anyone worked out who all the characters are yet? I'm struggling with a couple of them but as I said previously I don't watch QVC that often. Any ideas who Shellob or Lucrezia Botoxia are ?

Lucrezia is Lulu (timebomb not guinness) and Shellob may be Kelly Hoppen

Must have taken ages to write - very entertaining
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